I’ve never been crazy about babies. They’re fine and all, I guess. I just have no interest. I don’t think most of them are that cute. And they’re sticky and uncommunicative. People try and counter my criticism by saying, “You know, you were a baby once!” And it’s like, what a shrewd observation that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Who cares if I was once a baby? I didn’t have to take care of me. I didn’t think I was cute. I had my awesome mom and dad to do that stuff.
In any event, there is one sort of baby I like. Baby animals like kittens and puppies. As we all know, I’m way more emotional over animals than humans, so let’s just file my baby animals are better than babies feelings into that drawer. I mean, I’d rather take lessons from a cartoon cat and dog than from any human and I’m doing just fine, so you can trust me.
Here’s why kittens and puppies are better than babies.
1) They are soft.
Some say human babies are soft and I’m sure that’s true, but you don’t really want to sit around petting a human baby. That’s weird. What’s not weird? Petting a puppy. Or a kitten.
2) They don’t incessantly cry, and if they do, it’s cute and not shrill.
I’ve heard puppies and kittens cry and it’s nowhere near as obnoxious as when human babies do it. Human babies are freakin’ loud and pretty much unstoppable. Little kittens and dogs are just mewing and peeping their way to the top of the cute ladder.
3) They are furry.
This is different than softness. Baby animal fur is amazing. It’s even better than adult animal fur, which is already pretty cool. Baby animal fur is so soft it’s like they’re covered in heavenly pajamas.
4) You don’t have to be pregnant.
Pregnancy is such a waste of time. You blow up for 9 months and throw up and swell and sweat and you can’t tie your shoes and junk then POOF! One baby. All that work for one stinkin’ person. Not worth it. This is coming from a gynecologist’s daughter. So I know what I’m talking about. Get a kitten or a puppy and BAM! Instant happiness.
5) Your pet will love you forever.
Your kid could grow up to be a murderer or something. Your kid will most likely scream at you at some point. And as a baby your kid probably doesn’t even know what love is, because it’s a dumb baby. But your kitten/puppy will love you forever and always and will be loyal to you to the end.