Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST 5 People Who Would Be Psyched About Finding Area 51 Almie Rose

Area 51, the long whispered about alien central secret CIA base, has not only been confirmed by the CIA as being a real place, but they also revealed its location.

area 51 location

You can tell it’s legit because the map says “secret.”

Image credit: Digital Spy

I’m sure there are lots of skeptics out there who are saying, “Right, that’s the real location. Nice try, CIA! I’m gonna unlike you on Facebook.”

But it looks like the truth is indeed out there, Mulder, should you choose to accept it. Although let’s not forget that Mulder and Scully already visited Area 51 in that episode where Mulder switched bodies with Michael McKean.

michael mckean david duchovny

Just once I’d like to look in the mirror and see a beloved member of Spinal Tap staring back at me.

Image credit: Wikipedia

So who else would be psyched by this breakthrough in alien news? I’ve put together a list of those real and fictional.

5. Randy Quaid in Independence Day (and possibly in real life).

randy quaid

Image credit: Wikipedia

In Independence Day, Randy Quaid played a wacky pilot who sacrificed himself to take down the alien mothership and save all of humanity.

dennis quaid

And Dennis Quaid expressed his thanks by starring in a remake of “Footloose.”

Image credit: Wikipedia

Randy Quaid’s character is dismissed throughout most of the movie as being a crazy dude who doesn’t know what he’s talking about because he insisted he was abducted by aliens several years ago. Weirdly, he’s still dismissed as being crazy even after aliens attacked. You’d think at that point someone would say, “Oh, guess you were right, sorry about that bro.”

Currently, Quaid and his wife are trying to get refugee status in Canada, because they’re convinced that “numerous actors have died under mysterious circumstances committed by the ‘Hollywood star whackers’” (CTV News). Canada thought about it and said, “Uh, no thanks, we’re good.”

4. The Aliens Guy From The History Channel

ancient aliens memeImage credit: Know Your Meme

The History Channel produced a show called Ancient Aliens featuring “alien expert” Giorgio A. Tsoukalos. Tsoukalos is an expert in that he blames aliens for everything we cannot explain. Naturally, he became an Internet meme.

According to Tsoukalos, aliens taught mankind how to do everything, including mathematics, astronomy and agriculture, to, “essentially guide us in the right direction.” He also said that “electricity was not invented by our civilization. It’s been around for centuries. It’s just been forgotten.” I have no idea what that means. Here’s the man in action:

This guy is probably outside the security gates right now, begging to be let in.

3. David Bowie

david bowie rebel rebelImage credit: Wikipedia

David Bowie played an alien in the film The Man Who Fell To Earth, and really, he did this as a wink and a nod to all of us. It was his way of saying, “Yes, I’m an alien.” Because perhaps when he sang, “Is there life on Maaaaaaars?” in his song, ‘Life On Mars’, people didn’t get that it was a rhetorical question. And then, just in case, he came out with another song in the ’80s titled ‘Loving The Alien’. Jeez, Bowie, we get it now! You’re an alien, as is Tilda Swinton (same planet, same breed). It’s rad. I mean, what human could mime this well?

He would definitely want to visit Area 51 to get more information on his birthplace. He hasn’t been back since he was a wee lad, except for once, to visit Ozzy Osbourne. But it was a very brief visit and years of cocaine abuse clouded his memories.

keith richards young

Keith Richards is also an alien, but from a different planet. He grew up in a space neighborhood near Iggy Pop’s space neighborhood. They played space hopscotch in the middle of their space street.

Image credit: Biography.com

2. Dale Gribble

dale gribble king of the hillImage credit: Wikipedia

Dale Gribble is a much beloved character from King of the Hill. He is your classic conspiracy nut. Dale believes that the government covers up everything and he’s so paranoid that most of the time, he goes by the pseudonym Rusty Shackleford. He would absolutely doubt that this map is accurate.

He’d say something like, “Ha! You think the real U-nited States govern-ment is gonna tell us where they keep all their super alien technology and the JFK cyborg they’ve been developing for thirty-five years? You think they’re gonna let anyone waltz up to the front gate like it’s a regular Star-bucks or Disneyland? Do you, Hank? DO YOU? [Takes a drag from his cigarette.] They’re not.”

And then Hank would say, “Dangit Dale, all I asked is if you borrowed my rake.”

And Bill would say, “Hank! I can lend you my rake!”

And Hank would say, “Bill, all of your yard tools are covered in bacon grease. We’ve been over this.”

1. Tom Cruise

tom cruise sunglassesImage credit: Featureflash via Shutterstock

He just wants to go home.

Area 51 image by Alexey Stiop via Shutterstock.

comments

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  1. Ah, I’d almost forgotten about “Rusty Shackleford”! Thank you!

  2. People will belive what they want. People will rush to what they “need” and wish. Nothing will change that. (Including me) We can learn to be wise about it and calm down somewhat.
    Or create an alternate reallity.

  3. Ha! You’ve done it again. Hehehe.