I do a plethora of mind gymnastics to get through my 9 to 5, including imagining exactly how my relationships with celebrities would go, thinking of names for my future chihuahua and writing the ‘early life’ section of my WikiPedia profile (I came from humble beginnings, but handle fame well). But my favorite fantasy that makes the excel spreadsheets less tear-inducing has to be my list of insignificant television roles that I would give anything to play. Since I know I can’t be a main character on my favorite shows any time soon, I like to think of playing these five forgettable parts to pass the time. Also, they would make great stepping stones in the filmography of my Wikipedia profile.
1) A Law & Order SVU Corpse. Law & Order is perhaps one of the few shows we can find on some channel at any given time of the day. Because of this, it’s permeated my being in ways that only television could. Not only do I hold the false belief that I could probably work as a New York police officer, but I also fully believe that Stabler and Benson are real people. For this reason, I know I’m destined to play a corpse that they examine in order to bust the scumbag who _____’ed me. I would finally know that they are fictional characters, but they would become that much more real in my mind as the solvers of my grizzly murder. I’d finally have my heroes rescue me. It would also be fairly easy to remember my lines.
2) Girls Hipster Extra. I’ve recently, like so many others, become enamored with Lena Dunham’s latest 20 something laden show Girls. I don’t really think she’s looking for another Girl, but I could do really well as a Brooklyn bookish girl in a coffee shop looking on as Hannah and Jessa discuss Adam’s refusal to put away his chest. I’m also talented when it comes to looking only mildly amused, so I’d make a great ennui-ridden fan of only 90s bands at a pop concert that Shoshanna forces everyone to attend. After being an extra I would obviously bond with Lena over our apparent shared interest in snack foods and Rachel Antonoff shoes and then we would become good friends, so I feel like this one is my most necessary role.
3) Dexter Crime Scene Onlooker. Is it weird that I’ve perversely wanted to be that pyro-sociopathic girl on Dexter who gets murdered just to be close to Michael C. Hall? Lucky bitch. But since I feel like a murder victim is too noteworthy for a novice like myself, I’d do much better as a crime scene witness, or, even more forgettable, just some chick hanging around the crime scene like “Yo, it’s straight up crazy that stripper was decapitated. Who’s the hot blood obsessed nerd?” This role could evolve as it is revealed that I am at every crime scene, and therefore a criminal mastermind. Depends on my contract.
4) Bluth Family Blunder. Now that Arrested Development is making its valiant Netflix return, I’m ready to make my debut playing anyone the Bluth family has wronged in some way- which could essentially be anyone. From estranged son of Gob, Steve Holdt, to George Michael’s ex girlfriend Anne, to the seal that ate Buster’s hand because Gob made it blood thirsty, it seems everyone has been screwed over by the Bluths, man or beast. I could handle any part really, besides the seal.
5) Real Housewives of New Jersey, General Family Friend. Okay, so I know this show isn’t technically scripted, but it still has writers who structure the story and set up situations in which the drama that the writers couldn’t even comprehend will ensue. It is truly a day dream of mine to bear witness to one of these jersey broad brawls. As a Jersey native, trust me: no one is more baffled than we are. I have no qualms with admitting that I am enthralled by the fighting, wine drinking and use of made up words like fabulicious. So I think I need to be some sort of part of this to truly understand the intricacies. Ideally, I would be a friend of Lauren or Greg, my personal favorite boss bitches, but I could handle girlfriend of the Manzo brothers or Dolores dog sitter. Let’s just face it, that dog is a star herself and should grab her own spinoff. Bravo, you’re welcome.
By Christina Milazzo