Are You There Blog? It's Me Caragh 5 Dating Websites They Don't Want You to Know About Caragh Poh

As Internet dating seems to lose it’s formerly taboo nature, more and more people are signing up for the services provided by the most popular dating websites. Match.com, OKCupid and PlentyOfFish provide you with all of your dating needs. Have you heard of Grindr yet? Grindr is described as a geosocial networking program for gay, bi and curious guys, but really what this app is, is a casual oral sex app. Go ahead. Ask your closest dude-friend who has the Grindr icon located in a hidden folder on his iPhone how his casual oral sex app is doing, and he will definitely know you’re talking about Grindr. I’m not saying all men specifically use this application to find oral sex, I’m just saying that I haven’t met a user who hasn’t, at some point, gotten a mean Bill Clinton as a result from downloading the app. Words with Friends can’t help you with this, man.

So what’s the hip, new dating website now? For your convenience, I have aggregated the top 5 underground dating websites that not even the hipsters know about yet. Sign up now while they’re still cool so you can maintain your status as Cool Lady and/or Dude Number 1 in your town.

1. Forbes’s 400 Richest People in America

Are you sick of choosing between eating leisurely brunches and paying your credit card bill? Are you mostly sick of making this choice because you choose bacon and eggs over being responsible every single time and it’s ruining your life? Don’t waste your time feeling sick. Marry a rich person. They might cheat on you and give you an STI, they might not love you and they might be mean to waiters because they don’t understand what it’s like to work for a living, but you will never, ever, ever hear another call from a bill collector ever again. Plus all of your friends from high school will be mad jealous when you start checking into The White House and The Grammys on 4Square.

2. Travel and Leisure’s America’s Least Attractive People

The good folks over at Travel and Leisure decided to compile a list of the average looks of the major US cities. Stay away from the ninth most attractive location, San Francisco. With all of their intellectual abilities, great butts from walking those hills, amazing personalities and healthy bodies it is a NIGHTMARE trying to compete! Blech! Instead, stick with Atlanta and almost the entire state of Maryland. They’re evidently very easy to compete with in the looks department.  You’ll get a date in no time next to those uggos.

3. Offenders on Death Row

Hear me out, ladies and gentlemen! What’s better than a mentally stable man who has a world of occupational opportunities in front of him? That’s right! A basket case who is incarcerated forever until he dies by the hand of the state! You don’t want a man who has the chance to leave you because of a better career or person, right? Of course not! So get you a real fixer-upper. These men on death row have no goals or dreams, so you don’t have to worry about being left in the dust. You just have to worry about what to do with his dust after he receives the ol’ penitentiary 1-2 punch (lethal injection. I’m talking about lethal injection).

4. The Fifth Generation of the Kennedy Family Tree

Maybe I’m a little biased because I was raised Irish-Catholic in Massachusetts, but John F. Kennedy is all but god-like to my grandmother’s generation. Nothing would make her happier than seeing her redheaded granddaughter finally bringing a man to Christmas dinner and finding out that man is none other than the grandchild of JFK. Granted, the Wikipedia entry for the family tree doesn’t offer much information in the way of marital status or hobbies of the descendents, but that’s what Facebook stalking is for. Don’t act like you’re too good to Facebook stalk. We all know that we all do it. Some of us are just brave enough to admit to it.

5. Craigslist’s Apartment Listings

Looking for a place to live and a person to date? Just save time and make it one in the same. Move into an apartment with the gender of your choice and pretend you’re dating them. Start off small, with the occasional bouquet of wildflowers and every few days wiggle your eyebrows at them all suggestive-like, as if you’re saying “Are you picking up what I’m putting down, person I am sexually attracted to?” In three months you will be inviting me to your wedding.

(image via ShutterStock)

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  1. Dear Caragh,
    You rock. In a seriously epic way. All of your posts are hilarious, and totally true.

  2. I would totally tap a Kennedy. The men are much more attractive than the women and hellloooo…Kennedy money. You can call me the new Jackie O.

  3. Also – WHY can’t I find you on Twitter?

    • @whydoihaveablog! And you’re right about JFK/the Northeast. I’ve never given thought that my mere location ups my chances of becoming Caragh Kennedy.

  4. This is AMAZING! And for the record…you’re so right about San Francisco. IT IS A NIGHTMARE! I was better off in the Northeast, hoping to find a descendent of JFK.

  5. Haha this is funny. Indeed the generations of the Kennedy family. Though I must say they seem to be plagued with the problems in the wake of JFK’s untimely death.

  6. HIlarious article!