We all have weird things that stress us out. Things that stress me out include– but are not limited to– when I can’t find one of my shoes. When I can’t find one of my socks. Expiration dates on produce. Traffic on sundays. The movie The Brave Little Toaster. Toasters. Miley Cyrus music videos. How Tumblr is spelt (where’d the ‘e’ go?). And properly using semicolons.
My point? Stress is subjective– and so is its management. So below is a list of a few things that help me de-stress. And maybe they will help you too.
1. Have a glass of wine
Both red and white wine have high amounts of anti-oxidants that can help to prevent heart attacks and can decrease chances of blood clotting. So, it would irresponsible of you not to have a glass. Think of your health.
2. Clean out your closet
While in the trenches amongst faded denims and bedazzled platform flip-flops, cleaning out your closet may seem like a nearly insurmountable task. But, like shaving your legs in the winter, it is something that you are obligated to do on occasion.
3. Clean out your closet, give up halfway through and have a glass of wine instead.
When cleaning your closet, like when shaving your legs in the winter, it is okay to give up halfway through. Whose gonna know?
4. Scream into a pillow.
The pillow can be substituted for a blanket, your living room wall or that old Top Gun poster you have in your bedroom. A pillow should never be substituted for a human being.
5. Scream into a glass of wine.
This provides both catharsis and refreshment.
6. Go for a scenic ten minute walk.
Pick scenery carefully. Beach is scenic. Back alleys are not so not scenic… and possibly dangerous.
7. Lose yourself in the music.
Do right by Eminem.
8. Read a few Peanuts comics to remind yourself that it could be worse. You could be Charlie Brown.
Poor Charlie Brown, he never got invited to anything and her has earl-onset baldness. On the upside, he has wonderful existential musings about the human condition.
9. Chew a piece of gum to regulate breathing.
Don’t get it stuck in your hair, this undoubtedly will lead to more stress and ridicule from your hairdresser.
10. Look at this otter.
11. Look at this otter.
13. Turn off your phone and throw it out the window. I got a little carried away. Don’t actually throw it out the window.
14. Eat crunchy foods.
The crunch is psychologically satisfying and will remind you that you are still alive.
15. Look at this picture of Tom Hiddleston.
16. Look at this picture of Tom Hiddleston.
17. Paint your fingers.
I have the fine motor skills of a Jack Russell so painting my nails has always been a process, but an enjoyable process.
18. Finger paint.
Crafting is shown to reduce stress and, since I have fine motor skills of a Jack Russell, my fingers are my paintbrush!
19. Force a smile.
It’ll be real eventually.
20. Call your best friend.
Best friends have the uncanny ability to discern when to comfort you and when to tell you to “suck it up.” Listen to them.
21. Call your mom.
In some cases this and #20 are one in the same.
22. Look at a 7th grade yearbook photo and appreciate just how far your sense of style has come.
“Ha oh Mia how young and naive you were to the world of fashion. You have come a long way, my friend. Look at you in that stripped sweater and corduroy overallsssss– wait a second, I wore those on Tuesday.”
Sometimes this doesn’t always work.
23. Make a grilled cheese.
I firmly believe that there is nothing that cannot be solved by melted cheese.
24. DON’T go on Facebook.
Next to the DMV, Facebook can be one of the most stressful places. Every time I logon, someone else has gotten engaged or has gotten a haircut that is way cooler than mine.
25. Take a deep breath.
Don’t forget to exhale. This is a very important step.
26. Start that journal you have been meaning to keep since 2005.
Journaling can help you reflect on the days events and give you a more objective perspective on what, exactly, is bothering you. Also it is a place where you can finally admit that you like like Chris Mezzino.
27. Hug someone or something.
Things that are okay to hug: family members, friends, stuffed animals and the occasional tree. Things that are not okay to hug: strangers, people who have a cold, on-duty postmen and cacti.
28. Hang out with your pet.
29. Hug your pet.
If your pet is a fish, do not hug.
30. Read this.
It’s called “Journey to the Center of the World” and will show you what a childlike sense of wonder really looks like.
32. Watch this.
It’s called “Voice Over.” It is kind of weird in the beginning but it has a really, really great pay-off. I don’t want to saw anything else.
33. Listen to the Almost Famous soundtrack.
All of your friends are here. You have Led Zepplin, The Allman Brothers Band, Neil Young and Fleetwood Mac, amongst many others. If you are driving and “Tiny Dancer” comes on, you have to roll down you windows– no matter the weather or who you are sitting next to at the red light.
34. Put a little more butter on your toast.
When anything tastes good and you thinks to yourself “hm, why have I eaten seven of these?” the answer is undoubtedly butter. Butter is the nectar of the gods. It was actually a wedding gift from Zeus to Hera. (Zeus did not give actually give butter to Hera for a wedding gift. But he did marry his sister so what does he know, really?)
35. Locate a slide. Go down said slide. Repeat.
Have you done it recently? It’s super worth it.
36. Plan to do less stuff.
When the stuff on your to-do list is starting to carry over to the next day and then next day after that, it means it is time that maybe you should plan to do less stuff.