Hello again, gentle readers! This week our plucky heroines continued to be broke and continued to be girls. Let’s look at what else happened…
As usual, we open on the diner and as usual, Max is complaining to GARRETT MORRIS (Yes, I am still referring to him like that and not as “Earl” because he is GARRETT MORRIS, original Saturday Night Live player) about tips. I always tip at least 20%, which means I get my cheese fries and wine without judgement or gripes to GARRETT MORRIS.
After the credits, we return to the diner where a staff meeting is in effect. Han is excited by the excellent comments and let’s everyone know exactly what the customers think of them. Max is apparently rude, which she is proud of. Caroline is apparently sexy, which she is proud of. GARRETT MORRIS is mistaken for a DJ and Oleg is a bad cook.
By the way, Fred Savage directed this episode. Not bad, Kevin Arnold. Not bad at all.
After work, the girls return home to bake cupcakes. One problem: their stove is an archaic piece of rust that doesn’t work. They are frantically trying to relight the pilot light without scorching off their eyebrows. I have actually had this problem. No, seriously. It’s real life, not a CBS show, guys! There are broke girls living in New York City as we cyber speak trying desperately to overcome the odds and fix faulty kitchen appliances. Except, I have a nice Russian super who is female who won’t allow us to suffer a bad oven or no eyebrows. Also, I live in Queens.
Caroline nobly offers to buy a new oven. Max asks how, seeing as they are both broke girls. Caroline reaches into a pasta jar where she keeps her secret stash. Like the Romanov clan, she has squirreled away all of her most prized jewels to hold on to them even in her hour of destitution. (On a completely morbid note, did you know that when the Romanovs were executed by Russian rebels, it took longer for Tsarina Alexandria and her daughters to die because they had sewn their jewels into their corsets and the bullets from the firing squad ricocheted off because the corsets were acting like makeshift bulletproof vests? At least, that’s what one special I saw on the History Channel in high school said.)(Question: Did I watch the History Channel in high school because I wasn’t invited to parties, or was I not invited to parties because I watched the History Channel? Discuss in the comments.) (Also, have you heard there’s a rumor in St. Petersburg?)
Anyway, Caroline has TAT rings. TAT rings are crazy expensive pieces of jewelry designed by someone named Thomas Aristotle Thomas. I think he’s fictional because I’ve never heard of him, or maybe I’ve never heard of him because he’s never been featured on the History Channel. Max reveals that she has hidden a picture of a purple oven she wants in the apartment. It is her “kitchen porn”. I wonder if she also has a Nancy Myers film on DVD stashed somewhere because the kitchens in her movies are phenomenal. Caroline insists that she sells the TAT rings to buy an oven. It’s not only a business investment for the cupcake business, but an investment in her friendship with Max. Aww…
The girls go to a pawn shop.
I’ve actually never been in a pawn shop, but based upon ads in the subway, I think that they are like the worst places on earth. The pawn shop Max and Caroline go to is run by like the worst woman on Earth. After being rude to the girls, she weighs a ring and offers something like $250 for something worth thousands of dollars. Caroline complains to her that she doesn’t understand the value of a TAT ring. The she-devil explains that she prices the gold based on weight, not trends. The girls decide to get sassy and leave. I love it when they get sassy and leave. You can always rely upon Caroline and Max to get sassy and leave. It’s awesome.
Back at the diner, Han and Oleg are fighting. Han doesn’t like Oleg’s awesome tiger shirt or something. Arguments bum me out, guys. I just tune them out when I’m around them and try to relive my favorite History Channel specials in my imagination. Eventually Oleg retreats to his kitchen, a wounded man in search of human affection. He asks Max for a hug. The ice around her heart melts for a minute and she gives him a platonic embrace. And in that brief minute, Oleg is able to unzip her top without the use of his hands. Hugs are magic, guys. Never forget.
At this point, Caroline decides that the only thing to do is to return the TAT rings to the fancy store from whence they came. She believes that even though she doesn’t have a receipt (because they were gifted to her at exotic locations abroad) that the staff will refund them. Max comes along for the journey into rich girl land.
At the store, Max is overwhelmed by the wealth and the pull Caroline still has over the staff. They meet a nice salesgirl who explains they don’t usually do refunds, but for *the Caroline Channing*, they will make an exception. Caroline is pleased. The nice salesgirl wanders off to find her manager, but the manager finds Caroline first.
We discover that the angelic Caroline Channing is the manager’s nemesis. He has been meditating on destroying her for over a year. See, the manager was once a salesman fired from another posh store because Caroline complained about the cigarette butts he was responsible for discarding on the street in front of the entrance. The store manager stalks around the girls like a fashion forward supervillain, monologuing his origin story and blaming his life’s troubles on Caroline’s tiny comment. He refuses to exchange the TAT rings without a receipt. Revenge is his, gentle readers. Revenge is his.
The girls have no choice but to get sassy and leave.
The girls are setting up shop in the ladies room, when suddenly, Caroline’s old friends show up. They are Caroline’s past and Caroline is ashamed of what they might think of her present. Caroline lies about the pop-up sale and joins them for lunch. She leaves Max alone with the rings. An Arabic woman comes in and says she thought Max and Caroline were a team. So did Max. Apparently, they are no longer a team. This is sad guys. I am starting to go back to my happy “History Channel” place.
When Caroline returns to work at the diner, she apologizes for abandoning Max and asks how much the TAT rings went for. Max didn’t sell them. See, even though Caroline felt that they were in it for the long haul together, Max explains that there is no long haul. They are short haul friends. All this happens in the freezer where it is cold and sad emotions make it feel even colder.
When Max returns home, Caroline is making cupcakes with their brand new purple oven! (That is some amazing one day delivery service, guys. Who does that anymore? Crate and Barrel?) Caroline explains that she sold all of TATS. Max worries that she sold them to the dreadful she-devil of the original pawn shop, but business woman Caroline dishes that she went to multiple pawn shops, priced everything out and sold them to the highest bidder.
The girls hug. It is a magical hug that seals their friendship. This is all about the long haul, guys.
Max talks about humping her oven or something. Her kitchen porn is now her kitchen reality.
The girls end at $621.25 yet again.
Hugs for all!