Because Someone Had To Tell You

18 Things Lesbians Never Want to Hear

I’m a woman, and I’m engaged to be married to a woman. Walking down the street, people stare at us if we are holding hands. They question how we know each other. They say things to us that they would never consider saying to a straight couple. We are singled out because we are “different.” It’s weird though, because we don’t feel different. We don’t think of ourselves as a “lesbian couple.” We think of ourselves as a “couple”—a couple who is madly in love and who doesn’t want to hide that love in order to make other people feel more comfortable. People have their own idea of what a lesbian relationship looks like, and if someone doesn’t fit that bill, then it’s really hard for people to understand. And not understanding, apparently, opens the door for a line of questioning.

These are some of the real-life questions my fiancé and I get on a daily basis, along with my responses:

1. Which one of you is the guy in the relationship?

Neither. We are both girls. That’s kind of the point.

2. You look like sisters!

Well, we’re not. I’m almost positive that a man and a woman who are dating (or married) don’t get told they look like siblings. In fact, that’s probably the last thing anyone wants to hear about the person they’re sleeping with.

3. Have you always been a lesbian?

I was straight until I wasn’t. Have you always liked mustard? You didn’t until you did, right? Sexuality isn’t always one way or the other.

4. I’ve never been to a gay wedding, can I come?

There will be cake, dancing and that one relative who gets too drunk. It’s pretty similar to a non-gay wedding. Actually, it’s exactly the same. So, let’s just call it “wedding” and leave out the “gay.” And sure, you can come if you’re invited.

Posing with my fiancé

Me with my soon-to-be wife.

5. Do all lesbians dress like their partners? 

If we dress alike, it’s because we have the same style. And we share clothes, because why wouldn’t we? If you could share clothes with your husband, I’m sure you would.

6. Why do some lesbians dress like boys?

What people wear is a form of expression. It’s no different from straight women wearing dresses.

7. Wait, so how does sex work?

That’s a weird question to ask someone. Use your imagination or Google it.

8. (From an ex boyfriend) Oh, so THAT’S why we didn’t work out?

Wrong. We didn’t work out because we weren’t right for each other. Me being with a woman in no way validates you cheating on me or us not working out.

9. (From an ex boyfriend) Can I join?

Can you join what? Our deeply emotional, fully satisfying-on-all-levels relationship? Or our bedroom? No and no.

10. I’ve always wanted to be a lesbian, but I just can’t give up sex with men, you know?

Ok. Good talk.

11. Have you ever had real sex?

Sorry, explain to me what your definition of “real sex” is.

12. Did you choose to be a lesbian?

Did you choose to be a straight? I chose to be with the person I’m with. We all choose our partners.

13. Are you sure you won’t want to be with a man again?

If you are in a committed relationship, hopefully the only person you imagine yourself being with is that person. You wouldn’t ask a married straight woman whether she would ever want to be with another man again, would you?

14. Will you use a sperm donor or someone you know to get pregnant?

We will discuss that and keep you posted.

15. Are you attracted to your friends who are girls?

No. Even if I wasn’t in a committed relationship, my friends are like my family. And I am not attracted to my family.

16. You’re a lesbian? What a waste.

Excuse me, sir. Are you implying that my worth is based on whether or not you have a chance of sleeping with me?

17. You’re so pretty! You don’t look like a lesbian.

What do my physical characteristics have to do with my sexual orientation? All straight people don’t look alike, so why is it assumed that all lesbians do? You’re basically saying that there are no pretty lesbians, and that just doesn’t make any sense.

1 2Continue reading
  • Vikki Kate

    what a gorgeous couple you guys are! :) great post x

  • Vivianne Sedgwick

    THIS! I love it!

  • Chris Verhulst

    I disagree with number 2 :) Just because I actually know many m/f couples who do look alike and my parents actually got in some trouble for kissing when first married because people thought they were bro/sis. Other than that…spot on :)

  • Katie Sutherland

    Sadly I do get told my Husband and I look like siblings. Its dumb. Like “Oh wow, we both wear glasses and have brown hair, we must be related!1!1!” People are ridiculous.

  • Jen Bridges

    I also disagree with number two. I used to work in a nursing home. There were these two people, a man and woman, there. I actually thought they were siblings. It turned out they had been married for over seventy years. I know quite a few straight couples who get asked if they are brother and sister. It’s not at all uncommon.

  • Hetty Chang

    Ditto to everyone on the sibs comment. I’ve known hetero couples that look like siblings and people comment on it all the time.

  • Jessica Gourley

    Girl, YES to #2! I’m not saying I “disagree” with it…but my husband and I, who I feel look NOTHING alike, got asked if we were siblings while we walked around, holding hands, kissing, and taking “day after wedding” pictures. I was like, REALLY?! What the HECK! That is the MOST annoying question. Considering one of my best friends and I also got asked if we were twins, I can only imagine how much more annoying it would be to us if we were a couple! Good read.

  • Ann Marie

    My husband and I look fairly similar and yes, straight couples do get told they look like siblings and no, no one wants to hear it. Many happy wishes on your upcoming marriage.

    • Ian Cook

      Haha! I have often seen couples that look like brother and sister, but I would never say it!!!!

  • Dean Mills

    As much as I want to like this post, and well. I sort of do. Is it not questions that got us to understand what we understand today as people? When dealing with ignorance have we not thought to combat it with education? People are ignorant, and to some dealing with non hetero relationships is a new concept. They may be asking questions to learn about it. Granted there are still douche canoes out there who purposely say things that are inappropriate but many people ask questions that seem inappropriate and are perfectly legit questions to ask so they can better understand a culture foreign to them.
    To you a 4 year old child has questions you feel are mundane and beyond answering simply because they are simple. To a gay couple the same may apply when dealing with straights who do not understand. Would you deny the knowledge of a 4 year old? Would you make a list of questions a four year old should not ask?
    Remember, being straight has happened throughout history, so has being gay, but gay was shunned and pushed away from the normality of society. The only way to defeat ignorance it to welcome it with open arms and nurture it with education rather than write a list of “do’es and don’ts” and hope they are just followed right off the bat.

    • Noellia Scarone

      100% spot on Dean.
      I seem to sense a lot of angst and anger in this article. These are the sorts of attitudes we should try to stamp out in the ongoing attempt for equality and unity amongst all people from all sexual orientations.

    • Noellia Scarone

      Actually there are differences between a gay wedding and a straight wedding if the straight couple is religious and the person asking the question is also religious. Let’s not forget what the term “wedding” actually means – the ceremony NOT the party. I find this question reasonable considering the inequality and discrimination G&L people face if wanting to get married in the place of worship they choose. Just like Greek weddings are different to catholic weddings and Vietnamese weddings and so forth.

      • Jill Layton

        Two people marrying each other is the same whether you are religious, non religious, gay, straight, black, white, old, young, rich or poor. Marriage is marriage. Love is love.

    • Wendy Blommendahl

      Although I see your point regarding some of these ignorant questions (others are just stupidity) it is not every gay/writer person’s job to educate all the ignorant person and “handle with care” their ignorant, rude questions. If they don’t know about something or don’t understand something, there are a plethora of resources for educating oneself and many ways to express interest and ask questions which are not so rude! The train it’s easier to answer a 4-year old’s question is that they don’t know better. Adults should know how to be respectful.

      • Jill Layton

        Yes. Yes. Yes.

  • Pamela Rodriguez

    You seriously get asked all these?? What a distasteful list of things to say to anyone! I mean, I heard a couple of these asked to friends of mine and it annoys me, but some of these are just downright rude!

    I get the #2 statement a lot, by the way, with me and my boyfriend. So annoying…

    Anyway, I wish you both the best of lucks, you look great together, you look so happy! I hope I’m that happy when I decide to get married 😀

    • Jill Layton

      Yes. And thank you :)

  • Chelsea Beck

    Sooo my husband and I get ‘oh that’s so cute that you’re so close, brother and sister renting an apt together’ every time. So I dyed my hair. =| so I get this.

  • Camila Brie

    This was so good!!!

  • Andrea Wattelet Weinfurt

    Awesome post. I think you two make a beautiful couple. :)

  • Mels Lien

    FANTASTIC piece, Jill. I laughed out loud a few times . . . :)

  • Cris Cejudo

    I really liked your post! and I think you make really valid points, and congratulations on your engagmente, I hope you guys are really happy

  • Pedro Goncalves

    Erm, you do look like sisters and most of your answers are extremely evasive, why!?

    • Tobey Gladman

      Whilst I wouldn’t presume to speak for anyone other than myself, I’d imagine the answers are evasive because it’s nobody’s gosh-darn business. I’d hate to be asked any of these questions.

      • Jill Layton


    • Kate Bigam

      That’s sort of the point, yo. The answers are evasive because the questions are invasive. She doesn’t need to answer these – & nobody needs to ask ’em!

      • Brittany Michelle Cecilia Jones


  • Anna Sauls

    Congratulations on your engagement :)

  • Kate Bigam

    Regarding #2, no, nobody wants to hear that they look like the person they’re sleeping with – though I know a number of hetero couples that look like one another, & I regret to say that, while slightly intoxicated, I’ve told at least one of those couples of their uncanny family resemblance. Not a great thing to tell couples, period, but it’s definitely not just gay couples that get it!

    “Excuse me, sir. Are you implying that my worth is based on whether or not you have a chance of sleeping with me?” YES, THIS – though men say it to straight girls who are in relationships, too, & the same response applies. Not cool, dudes. Ever.

    • Jill Layton

      Ha – love this.

  • Andrea Porter

    The only thing I can relate to your experience are the insanely inappropriate questions and comments I got when I was pregnant. Single mom, oh no! It didn’t take me too long to realize what other people thought about me didn’t matter. I am happy and my son is happy. That’s really all that matters. I wish you both the best!! :)

  • Christine Hill

    Congratulations, Ms. Layton, on your engagement! May your marriage be blessed with health, wealth, and happiness.

    • Jill Layton

      Thanks, Christine!

Need more Giggles?
Like us on Facebook!

Want more Giggles?
Sign up for our newsletter!