The best part of being a kid was not caring about anything except playing and eating candy. We climbed trees all the way to the top, played kickball in the middle of the street, walked to school without supervision and wore our seatbelts only when they didn’t get in the way of other things we were doing. It’s surprising that we didn’t die.
Here’s a list of things we did in the ’80s and ’90s that probably should have killed us but didn’t:
1. Fun Dip
Our snacks consisted of sugar on top of sugar. Our parents were cool with us snacking on a sugar stick dipped in a pack of sugar. And not just one pack, THREE packs.
2. Sugary cereals
Sugar wasn’t just for snacking, it was part of a complete breakfast. It was normal to eat Cookie Crisp, Rice Krispies Treats Cereal, Pop Tarts Crunch, Cocoa Pebbles, Frosted Flakes, Reeses Puffs, Lucky Charms, Oreo O’s or Cinnamon Toast Crunch before school. Sometimes all of them in one bowl. That’s too much sugar, you guys.
3. Cookie dough
As kids, we collectively ate at least one billion pounds of cookie dough (and still going strong), and we didn’t die! You’d think salmonella would have gotten the best of at least a few of us. Nope. Didn’t happen. Because God wouldn’t have made cookie dough so delicious if he didn’t want us to eat it and not die. Right?
4. Pogo sticks
These were so fun and risky. It’s nothing short of a miracle that we vigorously bounced up and down on a stick and didn’t get a spinal chord injury. Based on gravity and the clumsiness of kids, we shouldn’t have survived.
5. Fighting with our siblings
There are actual people who have died from atomic wedgies. Probably no one we know, but it’s happened. Wedgies are dangerous, and so are noogies, towel snaps, wet willies and Indian burns (also pretty racist). What if your finger slipped too far into your brother’s ear or you noogied your sister to death? Let’s not think about it.
6. Tall amusement park water slides
This one combines the law of gravity and atomic wedgies. It’s amazing that our 60 pound bodies didn’t fly out of those slides, and even more amazing that the water-induced atomic wedgies didn’t enema us to death.
7. Too much TV
TV was our babysitter. If our parents were busy or just didn’t feel like dealing with us for a few hours, we watched TV. Based on the amount of TV we watched, it’s surprising that our brains didn’t actually rot and turn to goo.
8. Slap bracelets
Remember the major recall on slap bracelets because the metal was slicing wrists? Slap bracelets were fun and fashionable, but they were also weapons of wrist destruction. No one was safe.
9. Razors and LSD in halloween candy
Remember when people were putting razor blades and LSD in Halloween candy? It was recommended that we take our Halloween candy to the fire department to be inspected before we ate it, but who had time for that when we were too busy eating candy?
10. Choker necklaces
Death is in the name!!
11. Trampolines with no safety nets
Great for having fun, physical fitness and broken necks.
12. AOL chat rooms
We all had at least one internet boyfriend or girlfriend. We never met them in person, because they probably would have murdered us. But we could have.
13. Ouija board
We were asking for death to visit us. Literally.
Unless you were born with the math gene, math is hard. It’s frustrating and confusing. I’m sure most of us shed some tears trying to finish our math homework. Too many hours were spent stressing over learning math we will never use. Ever. How did we not die of frustration?
15. Not being able to beat Super Mario Brothers
Speaking of death by frustration. It is nearly impossible for a child, or an adult, to beat the original Super Mario Brothers. The final level is one big never-ending maze. It was by far the most frustrating part of my childhood.
16. Playing outside until the street lights turned on
How did we not get hit by a car or just disappear forever?
17. Not having a cell phone
Have you ever left your house and forgot your cell phone? Did you die without it? Probably not. But you basically almost did I bet. We survived our entire adolescent years without being constantly reachable. How did we do it?
These are just a few of the ways I didn’t die when I was a kid. I’m really glad I didn’t, and I’m really glad you didn’t either. At least we had a great time not dying! What are some of the ways you probably almost died?
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