April Fools’ Day is coming up, and you know what that means: pranks. I have never been very good at pranks. I think it’s because I cannot lie worth a darn. While some people wear their emotions on their sleeve, mine are tattooed to my forehead. One time my brother was supposed to take me to see the Lizzie McGuire Movie for a second time, but we instead went to only slightly more Orc-centirc Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. When we got home and my mom asked me about the movie, I – being a cool, collected, Paul Frank-wearing 10-year-old – responded with something along the line of, “Hillary Duff’s final musical duet at Helms Deep as both herself and her Italian alter ego, Gimli, was truly inspired.”
So the “pranks” listed below are less so pranks in the literal or accurate sense of the word but are more so pranks in the misevaluated, mistaken, misconstrued, mismanaged and overall misunderstood sense of the word. They range from acts of kindness to possible solutions to gastrointestinal ailments.
1. Block the track pad of their mouse with scotch tape.
2. Tape a “kick me” sign to their back but instead of “kick me”, change it to a nice conversation starter, like “Who’s your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Mine’s Rapahel!”
Alternatives include and “Squirrels are weird, right?”, “How bout them Chargers?”, “How far down does the rabbit hole go?”, “What is art?” and “Kick me?”
3. Tell them to come over for a movie night and say you wanna watch Seventeen Again only it’s the Tia and Tamara Mowry one and not the Zac Efron and Matthew Perry version.
4. Tell them to come over for a movie night and say you wanna watch Star Wars but you watch The Phantom Menace.
Note: You will also have to sit through Phantom Menace. It is up to you if this is worth it.
5. Put a drop of colored food dye on their tooth brush.
6. Preemptively bring a cup of sugar to your next door neighbor!
7. Actually make eye-contact with the Starbucks barista.
Bonus: you may end up with a new best friend!
8. Ask the person in line with you at Starbucks if they are looking for a best friend.
Bonus: you may end up with a new best friend! Or sworn enemy…
9. Offer them black licorice.
10. Buy a twelve pack of toilette paper and place it on your neighbor’s front porch. Single ply.
11. Put Sun Chips crumbs in your co-worker’s keyboard.
12. Call your mom and tell her how much you appreciate her.
This is less of a prank and more so just a statement of gratitude.
13. Change the settings on their Facebook page to “only me” so that their posts can only be seen by them, so no one will like their #TBT.
14. Wear a pastel corduroy overalls, unironically.
15. Buy them a goldfish.
Because the biggest prank of all is the gift of unwanted responsibility.
This April 1st, when in doubt, just ask yourself “What would Winston do?”
And then don’t do that.
Photo credits: Fox