I want to be a morning person. I want to witness a sunrise and see for myself if they are as great as all those inspirational posters tell me they are. Like a Walt Disney fever dream, I want to rise with the birds and sing along as they do an all-whistling rendition of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.” For once, I want to wake up early enough for the McDonald’s breakfast menu. I want to be a morning person, but I am not a morning person. But the good news is that I have time to improve.
Below are some of the possible benefits of early rising that, as a future morning person, I hope to one day know… but probably never will.
1. Reduced chance of stress
This is me every morning as I stand in the shower and contemplate the day ahead:
2. You get to know your friends’ parents pretty well
By 8am at weekend sleepovers, you were wide awake, while your adolescent cohorts were fast asleep. After a long night of pulling pranks and gossiping about the martial prospects of Mr. Harris’ fifth grade class, your friends weren’t going to emerge from their Limited Too, polyester sleeping bags for at least another three hours. So, while your bra is gathering ice in the freezer, you are talking to Mr. Jenkins about reassessing his 401k.
3. Morning time equals extra work time
By “morning time equals extra work time,” I really mean “morning time equals extra time to finish the work that you should have done the night before but you procrastinated and didn’t get done.”
4. Breakfast burritos
Stare into the face of perfection. Tortilla-wrapped perfection.
5. More time for exercise
By “more time for exercise,” I really mean “more time for breakfast burritos.”
6. It’s so quiet…
Late nights are filled with the sounds of owls hooting, wolves howling and your neighbor that had too much to drink mistaking your apartment for theirs.
7. You have the knowledge that Benjamin Franklin would be proud of you
I am not sure if this is the exact quotation but, I believe, it was good ol’ Ben that first said, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and at a reduced risk for heart disease.” I think that this is right. I mean, I did get a 2 on my AP US History test. So…
8. You have more optimism when it is most needed
When other people are like this…
You are like this…
9. You have time to read things
Possible reading materials include (but are not limited to) newspapers, magazines, the back of cereal boxes, last year’s tax report and The Art of War.
10. You have time for a new hobby
Possible hobbies include (but are not limited to) journaling, knitting, poetry, wood working, stamp collecting, binge watching and reading (see above for possible reading materials).
11. Early morning TV
5am on Channel 2. Me and these four ladies could be navigating the tumultuous waters of friends, love and Medicare.
12. The barista will appreciate your fully-formed verbal responses
I cringe thinking how often I have been the latter part of this exchange:
BARISTA: Hi, how are you doing today?
SLEEP-DEPRIVED CUSTOMER: Grande mocha with no whip and an extra shot. Wait… What was the question, again?
13. Less traffic
I am willing to part with a lot of things in order to ensure that my odometer stays firmly above 35mph. This includes an hour of sleep and combed hair.
14. Opening the blinds is never a serious concern
But, the major disadvantage of being a morning person, especially when you fit into the 18 to 35 year-old demographic, is that your peers are never keen on the the whole idea of early rising.
Hell hath no furry like a 22 year-old woken up before noon on a Sunday.