If one could earn a degree in canceling plans, I would be getting my Masters right now. I love my friends, but I think I love my bed more (yikes, I hope they’re not reading this right now). Plus, canceling plans just feels so effing good. In college, I managed to fill up my planner with lunch and dinner dates, parties, get-togethers, group study sessions, shopping trips and pretty much any social congregation that involved me getting out of my coat closet of a dorm room. But these days, I have little to no energy by the time the weekend comes around. A season of Arrested Development, a bottle of wine and a medium Hawaiian pizza is enough excitement for me, and I’m okay with that. Some may see this as being “anti-social” but I just call it “me time.”
Unfortunately, “me time” is a luxury. I have friends, acquaintances, neighbors and family that sometimes want to hang out with me (the struggle is REAL). On days I really, desperately just want to stay home in my pajamas, I have to come up with a good excuse, because saying, “Well, I just want to stay in bed all day and maybe catch up on work or take a bath,” is pretty pathetic and makes me kind of a crappy friend/person. Here are my top thirteen justifications for canceling plans (feel free to use them!):
1. I ate too much Taco Bell and now I’m sick.
Okay, everyone knows that if you eat more than three chalupas, you have an 80% chance of throwing up the next morning, and everyone understands.
2. I’m emotionally frail right now.
I just watched Blue Valentine and I don’t think I can face this cruel world right now. What if my boyfriend and I break up in, like, ten years because our relationship turns stagnant and our dog dies because he didn’t lock the gate and one of us turns into an alcoholic? Who am I kidding? I would never break up with Ryan Gosling.
3. I have to finish writing an e-book.
Who cares if it’s self-published? It’s my literary career, okay?
4. My cat has anxiety.
She meows incessantly and follows me around the apartment (true story) and I’m worried if I leave, she’ll do something stupid, like angrily poop on my carpet (also true story) or destroy my furniture with her over-grown anxiety claws (yup, true story).
5. I didn’t do laundry for three weeks and now I am all out of clothes.
Honestly, I have like one dress that’s clean and it’s one of those American Apparel metallic tube top dresses so no I cannot get lunch.
6. If I don’t finish Gone Girl, I may experience a nervous breakdown.
Is Amy alive? What’s up with Nick? Why is this the most disturbing love story I’ve ever read? I absolutely will not part from this novel until I know EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING ON. Every bookworm or person who is associated with one understands the burdens they must take on when they begin an incredibly compelling story. I have honestly went three or four days without leaving my apartment last summer when I read all of Gillian Flynn’s books, so yeah. Don’t even get me started on the Harry Potter series.
7. My doctor told me I am super contagious, so…
Yeah, sorry. I have bacteria.
8. I have to write a ten page paper deconstructing Beyoncé’s album for my sociology class, ugh.
School comes first, right?
9. I threw my back out because I’m old.
You have no choice but stay at home with a heating pad wedged underneath your frail body.
10. I have to fix my grandma’s TV
My grandma has like one million channels, half of which are Russian, so her T.V. settings are pretty complicated. I have watched my dad battle with her TV for hours, so I know this dilemma is possible.
11. I just found out I’m allergic to milk (the hard way).
Discovering you are growing an intolerance to dairy is one of the worst experiences, ever. It’s crippling, sad and certainly a legitimate excuse.
12. I’m making Beef Bourguignon and need to make sure it doesn’t burn.
Remember in Julia & Julia when Julia leaves her Beef Bourguignon in the oven all night and it burns? You can’t let that happen, you just can’t. Watching over food to make sure nothing happens to it is surely a sign of adulthood and people need to respect that.
13. You could just be honest and say how you really feel.
But that would take all the fun out of canceling plans!