I woke up a few mornings ago and had automatically turned twenty six, regardless of my sincere objections to the whole situation and the many times I tried to strike a deal with mother nature (surprisingly enough, she wasn’t interested in my soul).
My fifteen-year-old sister called me “ancient” over lunch the other day. It was traumatizing and I quickly retreated to the restaurant bathroom, where I analyzed every possible wrinkle on my face until the stream of tears made it too difficult. I spent the rest of the day studying my sassy sibling, and trying everything I could to convince her I was “hip” and “rad.” I pulled out all the stops, and even dusted off the ol’ pukka shell necklace.
My observations helped me devise a list of ten things we can all do to ensure we stay young and therefore stay cool in the eyes of the youths today. Follow these tips and I promise you’ll feel like you’re once again living in your parents house, prank calling your crushes, stuffing your training bra, and dreaming of your future fame in the pop music industry.
1. Wear lots of glitter: A healthy slathering of this sparkly stuff and you’ll be back to your “too young to want to apply natural-looking makeup” self. Frost your lids, glaze your cheeks and coat your lips with this fairy dust; soon you’ll be the envy of every eight to twelve year old on the block. Whatever the color, more is always just that—more.
2. Use acronyms or abbreviations as much as possible: Try to implement words like “totes,” “awks” “whatevs” and “cray cray” into every sentence, at least twice. When in doubt, just add YOLO at the end of any expression, even if it may seem like it has no direct correlation to what you’re talking about. YOLO is always appropriate and ever so chic. Ex: I love that neon pink and polka-dot scrunchie combo you’re sporting today, Kelly. YOLO!!!”
3. Two words: key chains (but extra points for referring to them as key chainizzles): Do you think anyone is going to take you seriously or believe you’re in your mid twenties when some of your most important belongings are attached to a two-foot long string of key chains immortalizing your favorite Disney characters and most beloved vacation destinations? If you’re feeling like the old maid in a room full of spritely, supple-skinned tweens, “accidentally” let your impressive collection of miniature paraphernalia drop from your Guess-logoed purse and you’re ready to get drunk on Kool-Aid and high on Fun Dips.
4. Chew Bubble gum: I was at a public pool recently and realized that not only are under-16’s incapable of forming cellulite, they’re sometimes incapable of using their manners. If I had a nickel for every braces-clad, wide-open trap I witnessed chewing on a bright pink ball of gum, I’d have around 55 cents! Enough to buy a pack of Big League Chew before inflation. Why worry about who you’re offending with that obnoxious gnawing of your Bubblicious when you’re too busy checking out the college-aged lifeguard and playing telephone in the shallow end. Best of all: Bubble Tape now comes in 13 flavors for your popping pleasure!
5. The right ring tone: Say goodbye to the reasonably mature ring tone you’re currently rocking and welcome the hits of stars like Justin Beiber, Selena Gomez, or Miley Cyrus. Become a Belieber if you want to fully commit to your newfound youth, but be sure witnesses understand that your phone isn’t blasting “Beauty and the Beat” as a comical homage to the Beiber nation. Ensure they realize the sanctity of your supposed obsession and say things like, “don’t you just love this song?” or “can’t wait to see him in concert,” with a face as serious as you can muster whilst lip-syncing to a young Canadian God and licking a giant Technicolor lollipop. Whichever artist you choose, make sure they’re too young to legally drink, and you may just be able to convince yourself that you are also.
6. Create your teenage dream car: I’m sure it wasn’t just me who was jealous of that one girl in high school with all the incredible car accessories. She may not have had the best hair or the quarterback on her arm, but her vehicle’s interiors shined with awesome sauce (am I too old to know how to use that expression correctly?). I didn’t know her name, but each time she drove by I’d catch a glimpse of that bright purple faux fur steering wheel cover and matching pair of hanging die, swinging joyfully as if to taunt me. If I was lucky, and she was positioned at the right angle, I could also enjoy the metallic leopard-print seat covers, right before her dancing Hawaiian lady waved goodbye from the rear dash. Allot a percentage of your grown-up paycheck to making your automobile everything you wanted it to be circa 2003, but could never afford.
7. Selfies: Nothing says adolescence like pointing a camera at your face and making the most moody pose possible. If you’ve ever become Facebook friends with someone (cousins, nieces, little sisters) who’s being raised in the prime of social networks, you’ve probably realized that self-portraits are one of their generation’s preferred outlets of communication. “Headed to the beach,” the caption may say; a corresponding picture of a young girl looking off into the distance with an intensity that would make Tyra proud. There will be at least six more photos of this nature uploaded throughout the day, each one describing an element of the beach that isn’t at all apparent in the illusive headshot. If you want to feel completely rejuvenated, take at least five of these pics within every 24-hour period (each with slight variations in lip pucker).
8. Use body splash instead of perfume: Kids these days walk around smelling like Juniper Breezes, Moonlight Paths, Plum Lily Swirls, or any of the other mystical scents Bath and Body Works has concocted. Though I have yet to come across a moonlit path that smells like a raspberry smoothie, dousing yourself in these fruit and floral creations will ensure you leave a trail of radiance wherever you go. One that will probably remain permeating the air for at least three hours.
9. Jeans with holes in them: Nothing says “I’m young, my parents pay for everything, and I don’t know the value of a good dollar which is why I insist on expensive clothes that are already half worn” than ripped jeans. In my opinion, this style should be illegal for anyone over the age of conception, however the travesty has real staying power. Observed only in their natural habitat: high school hallways, the food court in the mall, Abercrombie and Fitch stores, and wherever there exists a misled youth, these denim disasters will become your denim dream once you see how young and foolish they make you look.
10. A bejewelled phone cover: Dazzle everyone with an amazing rhinestone sheath for your mobile device. No one will expect anyone over the age of eighteen to have a cubic zirconia-encrusted hello kitty face emblazoned on the backside of their cell. If you’re not a cat person, consider getting one with the words, “BRAT” or “Daddy’s Girl”. There’s nothing as magnificent as the feel of faux diamonds on the palm of your hand while you call your girlfriends and make plans to loiter in front of the local cinema or shopping center. With each sensation of a perfectly-placed gem, you’ll be rejuvenated, and make everyone in the room envious that you’ve managed to maintain your youthful spirit.
You can read more from Stephanie Fuller on her blog.
Feature image via.