I believe it was Oscar Wilde who once said, “When love is right, it’s right; when it’s wrong, it effing sucks.”
I also believe he did not actually say this, at least not in these actual words, but I’m pretty sure at some point he shared a similar sentiment. At any rate, it’s true: when something clicks, it’s like there’s magic in the world, and when it doesn’t, it feels like you’re riding in an elevator that just snapped and you’re plummeting to the bottom. But how do you know if you’re in something right? How do you know if he’s right for you? I’m not a relationship doctor, but I’ve had my fair share of relationships. So here are 10 ways to know he’s not right for you.
10. There’s no humor in your relationship.
I’m not saying you have to date Jerry Seinfeld (or whomever the kids find funny these days, I don’t know) but if your date nights sound like the clattering of forks against plates with crickets chirping in the background, that’s a bad sign. You want humor in a relationship. You want someone who makes you laugh, and also someone who laughs with you, and not at you. One of my biggest worries in a relationship was when I fretted that my boyfriend didn’t find me funny. It was important to me that he liked my sense of humor; since he made me laugh, I wanted to do the same. Maybe humor isn’t as important to everyone, but you need to have a few inside jokes that just crack you guys up. It’s a bonding experience.
9. You don’t consider him a friend.
I believe it’s important to have some element of true friendship in a relationship. If you wouldn’t even be friends with the guy you’re seeing, why should you be dating him? There’s gotta be more than just great sexual chemistry. I’m not saying he has to be your best friend; I’m saying, there’s gotta be a basis of some kind of friendship somewhere.
8. He’s negative about everything.
I’m a bit of a sarcastic person sometimes, but even I see the wisdom in finding positivity in the world. There is nothing worse than being with someone who is negative all the time about everything. From traffic to your future together, if every damn thing makes him groan and roll his eyes and go off on a tangent about how everything sucks and there’s no point, you are better off alone.
7. He keeps score.
This could be as simple as he’s stingy with money; that when you ask him to borrow $5, he will bring up that $5 every time you speak, text, or see him after, until it’s paid, or until one of you dies. Or maybe he keeps score emotionally, tallying up every little squabble you’ve had and who was right and who was wrong. This is the wrong person to be with. This is a person who is so petty that being with them turns into a chore. Don’t make someone your chore. You have actual chores. I’ve seen the kitchen, you should get on that.
6. You feel like you can’t be your true self around him.
Maybe you love The Bachelor but wouldn’t even DREAM of telling him, for fear of being judged. Maybe you rock out to Billy Joel but are too scared he’d make fun of you. You may be right. I may be crazy. (Sorry, if I don’t make a Billy Joel reference in almost everything I write, part of me dies.) You cannot be with someone unless you can be yourself — your best, and your worst. If you’re afraid to let him see your flaws, he’s not the guy for you. Sure, in an early relationship, there’s some hesitation, but there should never be actual fear. If there is, it isn’t right.
5. You’re not sexually compatible.
“Sexually compatible” covers all chemistry in the relationship, from how you are in bed to how you kiss. If you guys aren’t working together on these issues, it says a LOT. Sometimes, two people really hit it off, but that sizzle just isn’t there. Maybe one of you is zigging while the other is zagging. That’s not gonna work.
4. He doesn’t support you emotionally.
I once told an ex about my idea for a book and he laughed in my face. That’s when I realized, maybe we’re not meant to be. No matter how stupid your ideas are, your guy should support you. Even if your dream is to go to Mars. If you have an actual chance of going to Mars and he’s fighting you or laughing at you for it, he’s not your guy. That’s kind of an extreme example, but you get my point. He should provide you with emotional support, just like any good friend of yours would. If he can’t, he’s out.
3. You don’t get along with each other’s friends and/or family.
You don’t have to love his friends and family and vice versa; but you should be able to all get along. If there are deep-seated issues between you and his friends or he with your friends, that’s a bad sign. If his friends are terrible, untrustworthy people, that’s also a bad sign. Your friends are a reflection of who you are. You don’t want to date someone who has bad friends.
2. Your core values are totally at odds.
Opposites attract, right? I mean in any case, opposites bring some fun to a relationship, a certain “oh snap”-ishness. But if you’re too opposite, it’s not a good sign. If your core values, the things you hold dearest to your heart, are so far from the things he holds close, you’re going to have a problem. I’m talking about wanting to have children vs. not wanting to have children, being extremely religious vs. having no religion or being against religion — big issues that shape lives.
1. He’s emotionally unavailable.
There’s no way around this one. Dating someone who is emotionally unavailable is like dating someone wearing a suit of armor made of mirrors — you try to see in, but all you see is yourself staring sadly back. Trust me on this one, you want someone who can open up to you. Someone who’s not afraid to cry in front of you when things get really rough. Someone who is ready to start a new chapter in their lives with you. If he can’t do those things, he’s not emotionally ready, and your relationship is doomed.
What other ways can you think of?
Images via Shutterstock, Napoleon Sarony via Wikimedia Commons, and Things I Found (At The Thrift Store)