Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

10 Ways To Know He's Not Right For You

I believe it was Oscar Wilde who once said, “When love is right, it’s right; when it’s wrong, it effing sucks.”

"Yeah, I said it. Now who turned off the Morrissey playlist?"

“Yeah, I said it. Now who turned off my Morrissey playlist?”

I also believe he did not actually say this, at least not in these actual words, but I’m pretty sure at some point he shared a similar sentiment. At any rate, it’s true: when something clicks, it’s like there’s magic in the world, and when it doesn’t, it feels like you’re riding in an elevator that just snapped and you’re plummeting to the bottom. But how do you know if you’re in something right? How do you know if he’s right for you? I’m not a relationship doctor, but I’ve had my fair share of relationships. So here are 10 ways to know he’s not right for you.

10. There’s no humor in your relationship.

Classic Jerry.

Classic Jerry.

I’m not saying you have to date Jerry Seinfeld (or whomever the kids find funny these days, I don’t know) but if your date nights sound like the clattering of forks against plates with crickets chirping in the background, that’s a bad sign. You want humor in a relationship. You want someone who makes you laugh, and also someone who laughs with you, and not at you. One of my biggest worries in a relationship was when I fretted that my boyfriend didn’t find me funny. It was important to me that he liked my sense of humor; since he made me laugh, I wanted to do the same. Maybe humor isn’t as important to everyone, but you need to have a few inside jokes that just crack you guys up. It’s a bonding experience.

9. You don’t consider him a friend.

"It's not that I don't love you, it's more like I don't like you as a person."

“It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s more like I don’t like you as a person.”

I believe it’s important to have some element of true friendship in a relationship. If you wouldn’t even be friends with the guy you’re seeing, why should you be dating him? There’s gotta be more than just great sexual chemistry. I’m not saying he has to be your best friend; I’m saying, there’s gotta be a basis of some kind of friendship somewhere.

8. He’s negative about everything.

Quoth the raven, "Whatever, dude."

Quoth the raven, “Whatever, dude.”

I’m a bit of a sarcastic person sometimes, but even I see the wisdom in finding positivity in the world. There is nothing worse than being with someone who is negative all the time about everything. From traffic to your future together, if every damn thing makes him groan and roll his eyes and go off on a tangent about how everything sucks and there’s no point, you are better off alone.

7. He keeps score.

I got a hand motion for you too, buddy.

I got a hand motion for you too, buddy.

This could be as simple as he’s stingy with money; that when you ask him to borrow $5, he will bring up that $5 every time you speak, text, or see him after, until it’s paid, or until one of you dies. Or maybe he keeps score emotionally, tallying up every little squabble you’ve had and who was right and who was wrong. This is the wrong person to be with. This is a person who is so petty that being with them turns into a chore. Don’t make someone your chore. You have actual chores. I’ve seen the kitchen, you should get on that.

6. You feel like you can’t be your true self around him.

One day that special someone will see my Beanie Baby collection and say "Wow!" without following it with, "You loser!"

One day that special someone will see my Beanie Baby collection and say “Wow!” without following it with, “You loser!”

Maybe you love The Bachelor but wouldn’t even DREAM of telling him, for fear of being judged. Maybe you rock out to Billy Joel but are too scared he’d make fun of you. You may be right. I may be crazy. (Sorry, if I don’t make a Billy Joel reference in almost everything I write, part of me dies.) You cannot be with someone unless you can be yourself — your best, and your worst. If you’re afraid to let him see your flaws, he’s not the guy for you. Sure, in an early relationship, there’s some hesitation, but there should never be actual fear. If there is, it isn’t right.

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