Every year, I get crazily excited around Oscar time – I watch all the red carpets, count down the days and make all my own little predictions. But every year I am slightly disappointed. Because we all kind of know what’s going to happen before it begins. People will wear fancy dresses, the jokes won’t be quite as funny as you were hoping, the people that everyone thought were going to win will win, etc. So even though I know that most of these are pretty unlikely, here are my top 10 things I WISH would happen at this years Oscars.
1. The judges agree that there is simply no way to decide whether Melissa McCarthy was better than Octavia Spencer and award the first ever Oscar tie giving them both the award for Best Supporting Actress.
2. George Clooney wins the award for best actor. This enrages Brad Pitt so much that he runs on stage, punches Clooney in the face and they then have a 10-minute long topless wrestle.
3. Michelle Williams wins Best Actress, but mid-way through her speech, the ghost of Marilyn Monroe sweeps on stage, grabs the award from her hand and accepts the award in her place.
4. The Horse from War Horse and the dog from The Artist break into the event, furious at having been left of the best actor list. They proceed to eat and destroy everything in sight, including all of Ryan Gosling’s clothes, so unfortunately he has to spend the rest of the evening completely nude.
5. Rooney Mara arrives on the red carpet wearing a bright pink ball gown, ringlets, a tiara and the biggest shock of all… a smile.
6. The Oscar judges award Best Picture to New Year’s Eve, as they agree this was in fact the best film of the year.
7. Martin Scorsese wins for Best Director and instead of making a speech he reenacts the Cadbury’s ad with those amazing eyebrows of his.
8. Leonardo DiCaprio, so furious at not having been nominated, sets the whole building on fire, burning everyone inside to a crisp. Miraculously, only one camera man survives and the evening ends with DiCaprio standing a top the pile of ashes that is Hollywood, screaming, ‘I’M KING OF THE WORLD.
9. Time shifts for one day and the Oscars are on British TV starting at 7:30pm, not at 4 am. This would mean I could spend the Oscars comfortably watching the TV instead of rolling around on the floor in a state of delirious tiredness.
10. Whoever wins Best Actress will be halfway through her speech when she will lift her far-too-toned arms above her head and without noticing, her boobies will pop right out of her strapless dress. As the audience shout to try and make her realize her mistake, she will mistake their screams for cheers and continue her speech half naked before returning to her seat.