Aug 25: A day that will live in infamy.
Everyone remembers that auspicious afternoon when the world went black.
Where could we turn to post pics of the decorative foam on our cappuccinos? Where could we find an awe-inspiring, filtered picture of the morning’s sunrise? Nowhere, that’s where.
Just in case you are still reeling from your short time without the social media site, here are ten scenarios that are worse than being without Instagram.
1. The Moment You Realize Your Zipper Has Been Down
So, you walk out of the house looking real fine in your bedazzled denim skort and you go half the day until you realize that your fly was been undone. Nothing is more disheartening, other than your mom pointing out that your denim skort is a little dated.
2. Recognizing That You Can No Longer Read Large Amounts of Text Without GIF Breaks
Cue the collective rolling over of Hemingway, Fitzgerald and Salinger in their respective graves. I apologize for my incompetence. Unlike my attention span, it both is formidable and wide-reaching.
3. Your Milk Is One Day Past Its Expiration Date
How am I supposed to make my Nesquik? Where am I supposed to get my calcium? My fingernails will fall into disrepair. But an expiration date is more of a suggestion than a hard and fast instruction, right?
4. Hannibal Crossing the Alps
Now I know this may seem way out of left field and that’s because it is, but hear me out. Hannibal, the Carthaginian military commander, during the Second Punic War is known for marching his army across the Alps into Northern Italy, an army that included war elephants. This 210 BC equivalent to modern day France burrowing under the Atlantic Ocean and popping up in Kansas with war giraffes (Editors Note: war giraffes are not a thing but should definitely be looked in to. I’m looking at you Chuck Hagel). So, being charged at with altitude-trained war elephants is way worse than not being able to post a sepia-toned picture of your cat.
5. Waking Up With a Bug Bite
You wake up and your wrist is itchy, you look and their is a small red bump, nothing too life threatening, but the implications of this bump are paralyzing. It means that last night, at some point, you were sharing a bed with a spider, a spider that may still be in your sleeping space. You think a little harder and then you realize that there is a small possibility that the curios little spider may have sequentially bitten your wrist, wandered up your arm, into your mouth, down your esophagus and is now traversing your digestive tract. And then you stop thinking, cause it’s too painful to bear.
6. Passionately Singing the Wrong Words to a Song
Your in the car, windows down, it’s a summer afternoon, the radio is basting and then “99 Luftballons” comes on. You only know two words of the entire song, but this doesn’t stop you from attempting German like you’re a regular Wilhelm II.
7. Mistaking a Male/Female Artist for the Wrong Gender
“I love Stevie Knicks!” “Ya, I think I’ve heard some of his stuff.” After getting the persons gender wrong, it’s hard to retain any sort of credibility.
8. Paper Cuts
9. Trying a New Machine at the Gym and Realizing You Have No Idea What’s Going On
It has three pulleys, two seats, fifteen weight settings, three foot pedals and vaguely resembles a medieval torture device that you remember from AP Euro. You get sit down all confident like, listening to your best pump up music (ie Blink 182 and/or Boz Scaggs), and the precede to pull and push it’s various appendages for the next twenty minutes. Even though your physical inadequacies may seem humiliating at the time, it is important to note that there are only like twenty people in the world who go to the gym and actually know what the hell they are doing.
10. If Twitter Went Down
Strictly a hypothetical, but nonetheless terrifying.
Featured image via.