Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST 10 Things to do once starbucks gets alcohol. Almie Rose

Starbucks is going to add beer and wine to their menu (in select southern California locations only, at least in the beginning. And none for you, Gretchen Weiners.) This is baffling and exciting news. Here are some fun things you can do to celebrate this shining new adventure.

10. Order a tall coffee, wine and a cup of Frappucino syrup and try making your own 4 Loko! Necessity is the mother of invention.

9. Schedule a coffee date for one end of the store and a wine tasting date for the other end. See if you can pull it off, then write a sitcom about it.

8. Guerilla Karaoke. Bring in your laptop and check out YouTube for karaoke videos. Once the beer and wine is flowing, start off the evening with a heartfelt rendition of The Smiths’ ‘How Soon Is Now?’ From there, hit ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and any other song longer than five minutes. Know which Starbucks stores will have alcohol so that when you get kicked out of the first one, you have other options to hit.

7. Dress up like it’s the 1920s and Starbucks is the new underground speakeasy. Women, talk like an old timey gangster’s wife (read: use your Nicki Minaj voice) and Gentlemen, carry on as a fast talking newspaper reporter. Dress to the nines and ask who the big cheese in town is. If someone comments on your outfit, tell them you don’t like the cut of their jib and that Timmy the Toothache ain’t gonna be happy when he catches wind of their guff. Ask for a complicated old cocktail and when they tell you they can’t make it shout, “Oh, applesauce!” Scream, “Say fella, what kind of illusion is this??!!??” every time someone takes out an iPhone.

6. Get a group of girlfriends and act out your favorite scenes from Sex and the City. Here, I’ll get you started: “Look at that. This place is for double cappuccinos, NOT double strollers.” “I’ll take an orgasm over a cup of French-drip Colombian any day.” “Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?” (All quotes are from Sex and the City. Even the last one. Seriously.)

5. Set up a wine and book club but only read classic teen series like Goosebumps, The Baby-Sitter’s Club and Animoprhs. Be very loud with your opinions and take them very seriously. “I liked the part where the animals morphed” is not going to cut it. Discuss how Kristy of The Baby-Sitter’s Club is a feminist icon and how at the heart of every Goosebumps story is the fear of becoming a parent. Put that English degree to work!

4. If you’re too young to drink legally or just don’t drink, dress up 1690s style, call yourself Goody Proctor and carry signs that proclaim, “ALCOHOL IS THE DEVIL’S SUSTENANCE” and “ENJOY, SINNERS” and “I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THIS, GOOD DAY SIRS AND MADAMS.” Suggest that the barista is a witch and should be lead to the gallows. Offer to construct your own gallows.

3. Find a table and sit down with a Moleskine journal, a fountain pen and glasses perched on your nose with a glass of wine by your side. Every so often, shout out words like, “LITERATURE!” and “PINO!” so that people know you’re cultured. Go full on Fraiser and Niles.

2. Grab a beer, stand on a table and ask people if they’re “ready to rock”. Then smash the bottle against your head and fall down. Don’t be shy. Starbucks is hardcore now; this kind of behavior is to be expected.

1. Cry.

Image is my own.

comments

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  1. Consider some changes…

    You might employ a delicate balance between graphics, text and current events from time to time….

  2. Thank you for the hilariousness of this article! Love it!

  3. Sadly I neither am 21 nor do I live in CA but this just made my night! All of these had me hysterically laugh.

  4. Yes.

  5. #7 all the way for me. I am sewing fringes on my shapeless shift dress as I type this.

  6. yesssssss. Do all the things!

  7. #2 exclusively, constantly.

  8. They have a Starbucks in Portland that sells wine already! :)

  9. Starbucks selling alcohol just makes it my favorite place ever. If a Starbucks inside of a Target converted to selling alcohol, I would sign over my paychecks and just start living there. it’s the dream.

  10. lmao! so made my morning<3

  11. Heck ya what a great list I loved the Sex and the city one.

  12. I’m rofling at #7. ROFLING I TELL YOU!