Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST10 Things That Don't Upset AnybodyAlmie Rose

I defy you to find anything wrong with any of these things. But let’s try.

Kittens and ducklings.

ducklings kitten

If you hate this picture, then you are probably an eaglet or a puppy.

But not together kittens and ducklings together, that’s just a calamity. Kittens! Kittens are cute and do silly things. Oh but what if you’re allergic? Then they don’t make you happy. Then you have ducklings! Who could hate ducklings? There is nothing wrong with ducklings. Unless you’re in your car and for whatever reason there’s a long line of ducklings crossing the street in front of you and you’re late for your appointment at BIG TIME BUSINESS, INC. in which case, you probably just want to run them over. Okay, so what about…

 

Free Pizza!

And no one loves free pizza more than Macauley Culkin.

Pizza parties! Food! Free food! …Unless you’re one of the kids who is allergic to gluten, or is vegan. There’s a vegan pizza place across the street from me, and if they gave out free pizza I would be really happy because it’s delicious, so maybe we can all agree that free delicious pizza that meets your dietary restrictions and needs is non upsetting and awesome? Does anyone have a problem with this? No? Here’s another great one…

 

Waking up before your alarm and realizing you have more time to sleep in.

woman sleeping

My alarm clock is a disembodied hand holding coffee!

Zoinks! I’m going to be late for my job at BIG TIME BUSINESS, INC. I hope the roads are clear of ducklings today. Let me just get out of bed and — oh my sainted Aunt! I have an entire hour before I need to get up! This is most wonderful! I shall go back to sleep! But what if I can’t? Then I just have this entire hour of nothing. Of dreading having to wake up. Now I’m just ticking down the time before I have to wake up even though I’m already awake. Maybe I should be productive and work out instead? This is a nightmare. Boy, I should could use…

 

A genuine compliment.

jarvis cocker

For example, if I said, Jarvis you are quite agile and sexy for a man in his 40s and I would like you to take me to your bed and wreck me to the point where I am so out of my head I think I'm a lamp because my sole reason for existence is for you to turn me on, that would be just one example of a genuine compliment.

When someone isn’t hitting on you or trying to make you feel weird, if they’re just saying something kind without any ulterior motives like, “That shirt is a great color on you” or “I wish I had your hair!” that’s wonderful, isn’t it? What is possibly bad about that? Let me know.

 

A puppy doing anything.

dog shotgun

Even after shooting someone, because look at those eyes.

People like puppies, right? Because everything they do is precious and wonderful. It’s fun to just watch them walk around and experience their first few days of life! Yes, I don’t think think there’s anything to hate here aaaaaand it just crapped on the rug. Okay, moving on.

 

A great hair day.

Nicolaus Copernicus

Damn, Nicolaus Copernicus, I want to get all heliocentric on you.

Pretend that you don’t care, but if you’re having a day where you’re loving how your hair falls around your face and feels, and it looks so shiny and healthy as though it’s been washed with the crushed remains of a fairy godmother, you feel a great little boost for the day. I would really like to know who is upset by a great hair day. I guess the only upsetting thing about a great hair day is when you have a bad hair day, because then you can’t help but compare the two. But we mustn’t think like that!

 

Getting a great deal.

happy bald man

Oh my God oh my God the Home Improvement box set is 50% off!!!

It’s a little happy happy joy joy in life when you find something for a much cheaper price than you were expecting, or when you get something free for doing something or maybe even nothing. Personally, I don’t like doing things, ever. So when I don’t do anything, getting anything is a huge plus. Because something is better than nothing and anything is better than nothing, even something. Although…I did use to work in retail and customers can be diabolical when there’s a sale or some sort of freebie going on. It’s times like those that you want to start crying and barricade the doors so that no one come in, and God forbid, buy things.

 

When someone does you a favor.

can of soda

Hey, I opened your can of soda for you and then took a sip. No need to thank me.

Because sometimes, life is like an angry gym teacher screaming at you to climb a rope, and you can’t, it’s too hard. So when someone steps in and helps you out, without expecting anything in return, it’s a wonderful feeling. If they do it expecting something in return, then check their face carefully for signs of Disneyvillianitis (hint: are their brows incredibly arched? Do they have a cleft in their chin?). However…if you have a case of anhedonia (the inability to enjoy basically anything) then you’ll be overcome with guilt and hate that person for making your life easier. You’ll hate them the way my brother hates The Muppets. You don’t know my brother but he really, really hates The Muppets. They scare him. Especially the two old men in the balcony. Don’t tell him I told you this. So what else is there that doesn’t upset anyone?

 

Looking at things.

barrel

This is the barrel of which I am scraping the bottom of.

Boy looking at things sure is fun! You can look at one thing over there, and then another thing over there. It’s great to look at thing and everyone loves it…oh…unless you’re blind…then maybe not…damn. We were so close on that one.

 

Sleeping.

success

How I feel when I fall asleep before 4 AM.

Actually never mind, I’m visiting my mom and had the audacity to wake up as late as 9:45 AM and she screamed at me. So not everyone loves sleeping.

In conclusion: everything sucks and we’re all going to die.

If you liked this, check out Top Ten Underused Excuses, Top Ten Signs You’re An Adult and Stop Doing This And Start Doing This.

Image via funniespet

comments

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  1. Where do I begin? Every time my hair looks “shiny and healthy as though it had been washed with the remains of a crushed fairy godmother” I shall think of YOU! This is just brilliant-ness.

  2. I had to run to the bathroom because I’m at the office and I was laughing too hard. I’m a huge fan, Almie. Especially for things like this: “Damn, Nicolaus Copernicus, I want to get all heliocentric on you.”

  3. ”How I feel when I fall asleep before 4 AM.” – The picture precisely described how I feel when I manage to go to bed and fall asleep at decent time.

  4. Sleeping is seriously my all time favorite thing ever but I hate waking up before my alarm clock. Well waking up an hour before is ok but waking up 5 minutes before sucks.

    • YES, waking up 5 min early is horrible. There’s nothing you can do in 5 min. You can’t get back to sleep and you can’t get a jumpstart on your day, you’re just lying there, feeling like an idiot.

  5. I hate the Muppets too! I’ve never heard of another person who hates them. Go your brother!

  6. Thanks everyone for your comments. They really do mean a lot to me! xoxo.

  7. you are hilarious, your articles (posts?) are my favorite!!!!

  8. Maybe I’m strange, or just contradictory, but I don’t like Pizza. As for ducklings…Well sure they’re cute while they’re little and fuzzy, but then they grow up. Ducks are vicious creatures. Never Trust a Duck.

  9. “Damn, Nicolaus Copernicus, I want to get all heliocentric on you.” rofllll

  10. “Because sometimes, life is like an angry gym teacher screaming at you to climb a rope, and you can’t, it’s too hard.” oh man oh man, I choked. On my laughter. At my desk. You’re FUNNY!