— Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

The 10 Suckiest Things Everyone Forgets About Break-Ups

Let’s be real about it: break-ups suck. There are the major things that suck about it (broken heart and all that) and then the little things people forget about. Here are the the 10 suckiest things everyone forgets about break-ups.

10. How painful it is to use the term “ex.”

Can’t we use a more fun term, like “relationship clown?”

It’s so bizarre that one day someone’s your boyfriend and best friend and the next day, they’re your ex. Their entire identity changed overnight. When recounting to your friends what happened, it feels so strange to describe this person you loved deeply as simply “my ex.” It’s weird and awful.

9. You have to tell all your friends.

“I suppose you’re all wondering why I called this meeting today. You can thank Stacey the heartbreaker. Stacey, shush, you’ll have your turn. Can I just have this one thing, Stacy? This ONE THING?”

I just got invited to a birthday party by my ex’s (ugh, sigh) friends. I had to thank them for the invite and tell them that sadly, we were no longer together. And they felt bad for inviting me (though still kindly offered the invite) and I felt bad for making them feel bad. It sucks having to tell your friends bad news, because it sort of feels like you’re admitting defeat, plus it’s painful to talk about. And you have to do it over and over and over. I sort of get now why people make Facebook posts announcing a break-up, though I’d never be one of them. Even weirder than the people who make break-up posts, are the people who “like” break-up posts. What’s up with THOSE people?

8. You lose focus.

Here’s a photo of a dolphin. This article is about dolphins, right?

I stopped writing this for like an hour so I could absentmindedly watch Dancing with the Stars. Today, I got out of bed only to get back into bed. It’s like a “whatever” switch goes off in your head that takes you in all kinds of different directions except for the one you need to go in. It’s hard to battle that switch, and you have to do the best you can. Try to find the “I can do this” button in your head, and make like Desmond from Lost, and keep pressing it. (Yes, I used a Lost reference. Is it because I, too, feel lost? Or do I need to watch more recent television? I just don’t know, guys. I JUST DON’T KNOW.)

7. You break up with their family, too.

“Thanks for having me at your summer cottage in Maine. Goodbye forever.”

For some people, this one is a blessing, as not everyone gets along with everyone else’s families (I’ve seen Everybody Loves Raymond, I know the score). But for others, like me, it’s hard. Dude had a great family, full of warm, generous people. I’m going to miss them.

6. You don’t have a date for that wedding around the corner.

“Congratulations. I got you that vase you wanted from Crate & Barrel. It’s filled with tears.”

Yeah, this one’s a little selfish, but I think you’re allowed to be a little selfish after a break-up. You’re psyched that your dearest friends are getting married in Vegas, but you’re less psyched at the idea of now having to go alone. Sure, with time you’ll get over it, but in the moment the idea of going to a wedding alone feels like Classic Schmosby. (There’s a more recent TV reference, how do we feel about that one?)

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