Apocalypstick's ApocaLISTThe 10 Suckiest Things Everyone Forgets About Break-UpsAlmie Rose

Let’s be real about it: break-ups suck. There are the major things that suck about it (broken heart and all that) and then the little things people forget about. Here are the the 10 suckiest things everyone forgets about break-ups.

10. How painful it is to use the term “ex.”

break-up

Can’t we use a more fun term, like “relationship clown?”

It’s so bizarre that one day someone’s your boyfriend and best friend and the next day, they’re your ex. Their entire identity changed overnight. When recounting to your friends what happened, it feels so strange to describe this person you loved deeply as simply “my ex.” It’s weird and awful.

9. You have to tell all your friends.

break-up

“I suppose you’re all wondering why I called this meeting today. You can thank Stacey the heartbreaker. Stacey, shush, you’ll have your turn. Can I just have this one thing, Stacy? This ONE THING?”

I just got invited to a birthday party by my ex’s (ugh, sigh) friends. I had to thank them for the invite and tell them that sadly, we were no longer together. And they felt bad for inviting me (though still kindly offered the invite) and I felt bad for making them feel bad. It sucks having to tell your friends bad news, because it sort of feels like you’re admitting defeat, plus it’s painful to talk about. And you have to do it over and over and over. I sort of get now why people make Facebook posts announcing a break-up, though I’d never be one of them. Even weirder than the people who make break-up posts, are the people who “like” break-up posts. What’s up with THOSE people?

8. You lose focus.

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Here’s a photo of a dolphin. This article is about dolphins, right?

I stopped writing this for like an hour so I could absentmindedly watch Dancing with the Stars. Today, I got out of bed only to get back into bed. It’s like a “whatever” switch goes off in your head that takes you in all kinds of different directions except for the one you need to go in. It’s hard to battle that switch, and you have to do the best you can. Try to find the “I can do this” button in your head, and make like Desmond from Lost, and keep pressing it. (Yes, I used a Lost reference. Is it because I, too, feel lost? Or do I need to watch more recent television? I just don’t know, guys. I JUST DON’T KNOW.)

7. You break up with their family, too.

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“Thanks for having me at your summer cottage in Maine. Goodbye forever.”

For some people, this one is a blessing, as not everyone gets along with everyone else’s families (I’ve seen Everybody Loves Raymond, I know the score). But for others, like me, it’s hard. Dude had a great family, full of warm, generous people. I’m going to miss them.

6. You don’t have a date for that wedding around the corner.

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“Congratulations. I got you that vase you wanted from Crate & Barrel. It’s filled with tears.”

Yeah, this one’s a little selfish, but I think you’re allowed to be a little selfish after a break-up. You’re psyched that your dearest friends are getting married in Vegas, but you’re less psyched at the idea of now having to go alone. Sure, with time you’ll get over it, but in the moment the idea of going to a wedding alone feels like Classic Schmosby. (There’s a more recent TV reference, how do we feel about that one?)

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  1. This was a beautiful, and well written article to read.

  2. Not being able to talk to them or keep being updated on their lives because you generally have such a great interest in them and now that is ripped away from you like a band-aid, fast and with no mercy!!!!!!!!

  3. Hola! I’ve been following your weblog for a long time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you
    a shout out from Porter Tx! Just wanted to tell you keep
    up the great job!

  4. I was reading this and thought, this person writes like Almie Rose, it’s so heartfelt, yet funny, and so true…. & then I thought, wait a minute, it is Almie Rose! Love your work.

  5. Thank you! Numbers five and one really hit home for me. And I second someone’s comment about not having anyone to share food with at night. :/ My ex (and yes, it is SO HARD to say that) and I loved to cook together – it was one of the first things that bonded us. After five years together, and a devastating breakup, I can hardly bring myself to cook, less something reminds me of him; like a dish we both loved.

    Having all this sudden free time. And evenings and nights are so painful. I miss the physical intimacy of cuddling. And going from being so close to nothing is awful. Thanks for the article.

    • You’re so very welcome for the article. I hope things are better with you and your relationship clown. xoxo.

  6. Let me tell you, I thought baths would make me feel better.. I always ended up crying and never wanting to come out. haha

  7. Thank you for this article. My boyfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago but this past weekend I ended it for real (we were kind of in an open-relationship-type limbo). I can honestly say all of these are true, except one things I’d like to add about showers–they just make you cry. Man what is it with me and shower crying? Number one, too, has been the weirdest so far. I still just call him by his name. And thank you thank you thank you for number 10. I think that’s so important. I still love the guy. I might never stop. I don’t want anyone to trash talk over a year of my life. I mean that’s like saying the whole year was a crappy lie! I still respect him as a person and we didn’t break up because he was a jerk. Thanks, I really needed this. <3

    • You’re so very welcome. I’m glad the article resonated with you, and I hope it helped. At least you know you’re not alone! xo.

  8. 5 and 7 were the hardest for me. Almost 10 years !!! Ended it and the hardest part was saying goodbye to what was my second family. Also, my friends all had different expectations on how I should feel or do now that I was single. I know that there heart was in the right place however, was frustrating too cause I really had to do things on my own to figure it all out.

  9. Having nobody to share my food with in the evening! I mean who is going to eat the brown m&m’s that I don’t like?
    Sucks…

  10. I loved this article! So sorry you are hurting. I love how you put so much humor into this article, even though it was on a sad topic. I personally think the hardest thing about break-ups is that 10 seconds when you wake up and you forget that you are no longer in a relationship. You can go from ‘good morning, world’, to a ‘I’m never getting out of bed again’ all in like, 10 seconds. Hang in there though! This too shall pass :)

  11. I think all of these points are only relevant if you’re dumped. The problems with breaking up with someone if you’re he person doing he heartbreaking are entirely different. Like… Getting them to stop calling. Getting hem to understand that calling your girlfriends asking them to meet for a drink to talk about you is entirely inappropriate. Having to avoid certain places for a while so that they don’t find you and continually approach you to ask if you can “discuss things”… No? Just me?

    • I think you’re right, in that some of my points are more specific to being dumped (like #2), but I think a lot of them can apply to any break-up situation. Of course, everyone’s break-up is different, but I think we can agree that all of them suck in their own special way. Thanks for reading!

    • No, not just you. I hear you, I was thinking something along those lines. My last breakup was like that and it’s a nightmare on its own. Different, less painful, but annoying and uncomfortable.

  12. This made me so sad :( I have an amazing boyfriend and thought of losing him sounds devastating! I’m sorry for your break-up, I know how hard it can be. I promise its always for the better. Whether he needs time to wake and realize what he had or in the end he truly wasn’t what was meant to be in your life. My mom always told me she believed that when you are born there is a book written about your life and that everything happens for a reason. There’s a purpose for this and hopefully you’ll get your reward soon enough. Good luck!

  13. Waking up and remembering he’s gone.

  14. Making the mistake of not deleting your ex off Facebook, and seeing his relationship status change to “single”. Then some people start “like”ing the status…

    • I feel that one, been there. Facebook makes it entirely too easy to publicly bash the “other” in breakups and it can be so painful to see people you thought of as friends dump on you in such a way. I mean, come on, I get where you are coming from, and so glad you’re there to support my no-longer-best-buddy.. but damn man, I’m a person too!

  15. The wedding around the corner was my twin sister’s. So I feel ya on ALL fronts here.

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