Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

10 Stupid Things That Everyone Should Do.

10. Go to Toys ‘R Us as an adult and insist on riding all the big wheels, bicycles with tassel hanging from the handle bars and Barbie electronic jeeps. The taller you are, the better. If someone tells you those are for children only, say with a stern face, “I see what this is really about” and pedal away. No one ever really knows what to say to that.

9. Pretend to be a time traveler. There’s a day dedicated to this, but does anyone actually do it? So many great things can be done. It’s fun to put on an apron and bonnet and approach a stranger panting, “Sir, my family and I tried to ford the river and our oxen died!” and try to barter for a ride with six pounds of bison meat. But it’s even more fun to dress in tinfoil and run up to someone shouting, “I’m so glad I found you! Listen to me — that thing you said you were going to do — DON’T DO IT. The consequences are dire. Here, take this -” (hand them a kitchen untensil) ” – you’ll know what it’s for when the time comes. Whatever you do, don’t take that call. Your grandchildren depend on it. And by the way, bring an umbrella tomorrow. I must go, I only have a few precious minutes left before I’m trapped here in the past!” Then dash off, hide behind something and watch their face. If you are a crazy rich person, please rent a Delorean and drive away in it.

8. Start a game in your office of “The Floor Is Lava”. All that stuff in your inbox is precious materials to make a pathway to the bathroom. Send an office-wide email with the subject “THE FLOOR IS LAVA” with instructions not to step on the floor, because it’s lava. Don’t include Sylvia from marketing on the email because she’ll just shut it down.

7. Leave the house in costume on any day that is not Halloween. My friends and I used to do this a lot. And yes, to answer your imminent question, we were pretty cool. Once we put my friend Chloe in a chicken suit and videotaped her dancing on the sidewalk. When you put yourself out there dressed as Willy Wonka or Baberaham Lincoln, it’s be confident or die trying. You learn a lot about yourself when everyone is staring at you. Can you handle it? Will you hold your head high, throw your purse on the floor and shout, “YEAH, I’M IN A DUMBLEDORE ROBE, COME AT ME!” or will you make a quick retreat back to your car, head hung in shame? Don’t be ashamed to look like an idiot. If Donald Trump can do it, so can you!

6. Invade a bounce castle. Or house. Or ladybug. Or whatever shape it is, it doesn’t matter, you’re not a shapeist. Just don’t think and get in there and bounce with the other children. Actually, it’s probably more fun if you remove the children first. They’ll just get in your way. And they’re so happy as is, what do they need a bounce castle for? They’re not the one who have to bounce their troubles away. So the next time you’re on a highway and you spot a bounce residence in the distance, make that exit and don’t think, just dive in.

5. KARAOKE. If you know me, then you know how much I love karaoke. And if you don’t know me, you should know me, because I love karaoke. It is something that everyone needs to try just once. People try to get out of it by saying, “But I’m not a good singer!” That’s like not going to a restaurant because you already know how to cook. You don’t go there for the singing, you go there for the ~~**experience**~~. You go there to sing a classic 2 minute to 3 minute and 30 second song. Never pick a song longer than 3 minutes and 30 seconds unless you’re in your own personal room or you are Kelly Clarkson. She’s just the best, you guys.

4. Purposefully wait until the very last minute to do something. This is a lesson every single person has to learn. If you wait until the last minute you will either produce pure genius or you will be completely screwed. There is no in between. Maybe if you do this to yourself on purpose you’ll never, ever do it again. Or maybe everything will go better than expected! I have a tummy ache.

3. Jump in the pool with your clothes on. Do it at a party on the roof. Try to do it in slow motion with ‘We Are Young’ playing in the background. It will be legendary. People will know you as “the jackass who jumped in the pool with their clothes on at Dave’s birthday party”. And that’s a label that everyone needs to have at some point in their lives.

2. Pretend to be someone else for the day. Have you ever thought, “What would Faye Dunaway or Freddy Mercury do in this situation?” Of course you have. Wonder no more and take on their spirit to conquer your day. It’s like taking a little vacation…from yourself. Go ahead and even dress like them if it helps. You can be as obvious or subtle about it as you want to be. If someone asks you a question, feel free to respond in a gravelly voice, “(Your name) isn’t here right now,” while holding up a finger and wiggling it in front of your face. May I suggest pretending to be Kanye West? Imagine the email possibilities. “YO I CANT DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW I,M FLYING IN A HELLO KITTY JET!! I GOT A LOUIS VITTON MACBOOK CASE IT’S SO SICK I’M NAUSEOUS. !!!! WHERE’S MY FUR PILLOW????”

1. Blog about your cat. Everyone is doing it and everyone acts like they’re sick of it, but if you have a great picture of your cat or if your little furry friend caught some sick piece of string, it would be irresponsible of you not to share that information with the entire internet. Cat videos, memes and gifs are what make the Internet so great. Don’t be ashamed to admit it. And if you’re honestly sick of cats on the Internet, I have some bad news for you: they’re not going away. So hop on the feline train and choo choo your way to glory!

Photo of my cat Obo my me.

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