There are two kinds of people in this world: those who are up at the crack of dawn ready to conquer the world and those who have never seen the crack of dawn. While some of you are sweating your butts off at the gym, making a healthy breakfast smoothie and looking like a runway model, the rest of us are lucky if we can squeeze in a 5-minute shower. I know some of you are in denial and think you are/can be morning people, but the truth is if it hasn’t happened by now… it’s probably not going to happen. In case you are confused, here are 10 surefire ways to know you are most definitely NOT a morning person:
1. When your alarm rings, you think you’re still dreaming. That’s not my alarm, that’s just the phone ringing. There’s a fire. Pitbull’s songs are haunting me in my dreams. I’m being chased by the cops. I won the lottery!
2. You don’t know what day it is. I think it’s Sunday. It’s definitely not Monday yet, that’s impossible. Wait, it’s Wednesday.
3. Suddenly you feel ill. I knew I was coming down with something. I feel a tickle in my throat. I should go to the doctor. I have a rash. I have carpal tunnel. My back hurts. When I turn my neck to the left, my right leg cramps. I’m pretty sure I’m dying.
4. The first words you utter are sound effects and pleas for help. Baaaaahhhhhhhmuuuaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. Nooooooooo. No. Help me Jesus! This. Is. Not. Happening. F$*#!%@.
5. You visualize getting ready but you have actually fallen back asleep and are dreaming. Okay, okay, okay, I’m up. Nope, I’m sleep showering.
6. You stare at the ceiling without blinking. If I concentrate on this space that’s whiter than the other white spaces, I will not fall back asleep. I will not fall back…
7. It takes you at least 20 minutes to realize you are awake. I’m awake. No I’m not, I’m still asleep. Am I dreaming? Nope I’m awake, I have to pee. Okay, I’m pretty sure I just snored.
8. Nothing can entice you out of bed. I’m so tired I don’t even want breakfast in bed. Care Bears could bring me pancakes made by Mother Teresa and I would not wake up to eat them.
9. You convince yourself 5 minutes of additional sleep will somehow make you less tired. Five more minutes. That’s all I need. I’ll get up. Five minutes.
10. Every time you hit the snooze button, you cross off one thing you were supposed to do to get ready but no longer have time for. I guess I don’t need to go to the gym. I can shower at night. I’m still young—I can skip out on make-up. I hope it’s casual Friday because I’m wearing my pajamas to work. I can’t brush my teeth. I’ll have to take a cab. I’m gonna miss my first meeting.