It is a well-known fact amongst my friends and family that I have a very distinct criterion, both physical and emotional, for prospective suitors. I have always been attracted to the supporting characters rather than the leading men. I prefer a lanky frame and near-sightedness to broad shoulders and a sharp jawline.
I am attracted to the type of individual that evolution has not been particularly kind to. The one whose hands forever remain in his pockets. Moreover, and I am not sure why this is, but I have always found something strangely endearing about a guy with chronic allergies. I would marry Jay Baruchel or that kid in Almost Famous in a hot second if the former wasn’t a Canadiens fan and the latter wasn’t a fictitious movie character.
Consequently, I have assessed that my unique tastes render me unequipped to judge who is and isn’t “Mr. Right” for a universal readership. So, I decided to ask my three guy friends—Aaron, Jason and Michael— what they thought. All of them have sisters, so I just had them visualize the type of guy that they wouldn’t want their sisters going near.
While I am not sure if I completely understand the reasoning behind some of the conditions, many of them are strangely insightful, while others are just strange. Overall, I have never seen a group of people so vehemently opposed to Fruit by the Foot.
1. “Sleeps clothed but walks around naked.”
There was an initial discrepancy about this one. One argument contended that this type of guy is comfortable in his own body, while the opposition maintained that he was simply too careless to put clothes on after his morning shower.
2. “He drinks out of a gallon jug of water. Who needs that much water at any one point? Who do you think you are, sir? A camel?”
I didn’t think that there was anything wrong with ensuring proper hydration, but they argued that a guy who carries around a gallon jug of water is just “showing off.” I am still unclear exactly what he is showing.
3. Aaron: “He still has a Hotmail account.”
Jason: “Wait, I still have a Hotmail account.”
Aaron: “I know.”
4. Michael: “He wears fake glasses.”
Aaron: “Hey, I wear fake glasses sometimes.”
Michael: “Ya…I know.”
5. “His favorite movie has a three after it… unless it’s Star Wars… I take that back, the third Star Wars is really bad.”
So that there is no confusion, Jason was referring to the prequels and not the OT. I try to keep good company.
6. “Picks Fruit by the Foot when a Fruit Roll-Up is available.”
Foolishly, I questioned why someone would choose Fruit Roll-Up when Fruit by the Foot offers more inches of fun. What ensued was a thirty-minute in-depth analysis of the advantages and disadvantages of each of the artificially fruit-flavored snacks the likes of which the world have never seen before, nor should it ever be required to see again.
Ultimately, it was determined that a guy who goes for the Fruit Roll-Up appreciates quality while the Fruit by the Foot enthusiast goes of quantity. Do with that what you will.
7. “He appears to be more in love with his roommate than you.”
8. “Does the crossword in pen. Wait, or do you marry that guy?”
They clarified that this guy’s unabashed confidence could either be a positive or a negative. If his self-assurance was was founded in actual intellect and hours of doing crossword puzzles then it is a positive. If he does the crossword in pen because he is too lazy to get up from his chair to grab a pencil, then it is likely a negative.
And, like a pen, there’s a permanence to laziness.
9. “If his hair is longer than yours.”
I strongly opposed this one, being that my ideal man has the face of Ezra Miller and the hair of Lea Michele, but they insisted that I include it on the list.
10. “He’s left handed.”
This low-hanging fruit was the first repose offered after I asked them what is a sign that a guy is not “Mr. Right.” Nonetheless, it’s literalism was appreciated.
A list of about thirty-five signs was created for the making of this post, so, I would like to honorably mention the following for their ingenuity and intention, however misguided it may have been:
“He’s O negative. It’s like ugh, we get it, you’re special.”
“He names your boobs… he names his boobs.”
“His favorite ice cream is pistachio.”
“You suspect he is a bunch of frogs in a human suit. If there is even a slight suspicion, then you need to get out!”