Tonight, Comedy Central will roast Charlie “Michelle Bachmann Level of Insanity” Sheen. I probably won’t watch it. If I wanted to be utterly exhausted and beaten over the head with a meme older than Pangea these days I’d just GIS ‘cats’. Here are ten shows that you yourself can produce before tonight’s event so you’ll have something of much, much better quality to fill your prime-time Monday.
All you need is a camera, ambition, and some items you can find in any ordinary household.
1. News Chair. Film anybody reading the newspaper, either silently or aloud, in a recliner. Preferably and elderly gentleman or a young child.
2. Melt Race! Place different cubes of ice on different types of surfaces and wait for them to melt. Betting optional.
3. Who’s At The Door? Place camera near front door. Invite people over. Each time someone knocks use your catchphrase: Who’s at the door?! Laugh-track optional.
4. Gwyneth Pterodactyl. Have one friend stare at a photograph of a pterodactyl for twenty minutes. Simultaneously, have another friend stare at a photograph of screen-legend Gwyneth Paltrow. After the twenty minutes have both friends discuss how it made them feel and how it will affect them in their future endeavors. (This one is fun for all of you aspiring psychologists!)
5. Let Me Show You What’s On. Film yourself describing in 2 seconds or less every show you see as you flip rapidly through the channels on your television. Place camera directly in front of your face.
6. Moustache TV. Take a piece of scotch-tape and place it directly in the center of your television. Draw a moustache on it with a felt pen. Watch literally anything. Wait for the ‘stache to line up with someone’s face. It’s magical. (Thanks to Atom for this one)
7. Shirt Party! This is a variety show where you try different shirts on, iron some t-shirts, fold some shirts, hem some sleeves, sew some buttons, pretty much just get insanely buck-wild on some garments. Let loose. Do you, etc.
8. The Anything Talk Show. Interview household items like your favorite lamp or a roll of toilet paper or maybe your dog (animals are hard to work with, though). Even inanimate objects are more interesting than the same five comedians fumbling with overused catchphrases like “winning” and “tiger blood” and “syphilis”.
9. The Wall. This is a remake television show of Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Set the camera on a tripod and film some paint drying.
10. Anything. Literally anything you can make in the next three hours before the roast airs will be better than this sorry excuse for entertaining television.