I came up with 10 sequels we need because Kristen Wiig is officially going to be in the Anchorman sequel and I’m way cool with that. So then I started thinking, why don’t I get drunk to celebrate?
And that’s when I thought, what other sequels do we need? And what cameos do we need in these sequels? Here’s what I came up with.
10. Jerry Maguire 2: Still Guiring
This sequel would echo Tom Cruise’s real life. Cruise and Zellweger’s characters have a child, but Maguire gets obsessed with a “sports fanatics club” and Zellweger leaves him, saying, “You had me at hello. You lost me at goodbye.” And then he struggles with madness and in a twist ending, gets run over by a car. I guess that’s actually not a twist ending, that’s just a sad ending.
Special cameo: Dustin Hoffman as supreme leader of the “sports fanatics club.” Now who’s the…rein man? YEEEEEAAAH!!
9. The Big Chill 2: Bigger and Chillier
Jeff Goldblum, and lots of actors our parents love, did this movie called The Big Chill about a group of friends who were sad after one of their friends died, so after the funeral they all hung out at Kevin Kline and Glenn Close’s house and got high for the weekend. It was really boring and needed a lot of dinosaurs. So in the sequel it would take place 30 years later and a new friend dies but this time Jeff Golblum plays everyone. So he plays the friend who died, he plays Kevin Kline, he plays Glenn Close and he also plays the character he played in the first one. I don’t see how this could go wrong.
Special cameo: The T-Rex that Goldblum antagonized with a flashlight in Jurassic Park. They’re on good terms now.
8. A Harder Day’s Night
Okay, hear me out. This has the potential to be depressing but it also has the potential to be great. In this sequel to A Hard Day’s Night, Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr decide to tour together, and we follow them in a Larry David/Curb Your Enthusiasm style sort-of-real sort-of-scripted film. And they are joined by the remaining members of Nirvana. And maybe this time they have an actual hard day’s night instead of running around in a field. No, wait, we have to have that, so…Nevermind. YYEEEEEAAHHH!!
Special cameo: Yoko Ono. LOL j/k. David Bowie.
7. Annie Hall 2: The Later Years
I want to see a realistic sequel to Woody Allen’s 1977 cinematic love note to Diane Keaton, and that means Annie Hall 36 years later. Alvy and Annie get back together because they’re both still single and miserable. Annie has a daughter from a previous marriage with Paul Simon’s record producer character. Their bitter divorce is what ended her career. Alvy, however, is a superstar writer. His success bothers Annie, because he’s a real jerk about it and she’s really independent. Rather than sit down with her and talk it out, Alvy has sex with her 18 year-old daughter. So then Annie has sex with a 25 year-old musician. So Alvy kills himself, but not until after delivering a very funny monologue about how silly relationships are.
Special cameo: Daniel Radcliffe as the musician, but with a Brooklyn accent.
6. The Shawshank Redemption 2: Further Redemption
They find Andy and they put him back in jail.
Special cameo: Susan Sarandon as the judge who sentences him, just to make things really uncomfortable.