I came up with 10 sequels we need because Kristen Wiig is officially going to be in the Anchorman sequel and I’m way cool with that. So then I started thinking, why don’t I get drunk to celebrate?
And that’s when I thought, what other sequels do we need? And what cameos do we need in these sequels? Here’s what I came up with.
10. Jerry Maguire 2: Still Guiring
This sequel would echo Tom Cruise’s real life. Cruise and Zellweger’s characters have a child, but Maguire gets obsessed with a “sports fanatics club” and Zellweger leaves him, saying, “You had me at hello. You lost me at goodbye.” And then he struggles with madness and in a twist ending, gets run over by a car. I guess that’s actually not a twist ending, that’s just a sad ending.
Special cameo: Dustin Hoffman as supreme leader of the “sports fanatics club.” Now who’s the…rein man? YEEEEEAAAH!!
9. The Big Chill 2: Bigger and Chillier
Jeff Goldblum, and lots of actors our parents love, did this movie called The Big Chill about a group of friends who were sad after one of their friends died, so after the funeral they all hung out at Kevin Kline and Glenn Close’s house and got high for the weekend. It was really boring and needed a lot of dinosaurs. So in the sequel it would take place 30 years later and a new friend dies but this time Jeff Golblum plays everyone. So he plays the friend who died, he plays Kevin Kline, he plays Glenn Close and he also plays the character he played in the first one. I don’t see how this could go wrong.
Special cameo: The T-Rex that Goldblum antagonized with a flashlight in Jurassic Park. They’re on good terms now.
8. A Harder Day’s Night
Okay, hear me out. This has the potential to be depressing but it also has the potential to be great. In this sequel to A Hard Day’s Night, Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr decide to tour together, and we follow them in a Larry David/Curb Your Enthusiasm style sort-of-real sort-of-scripted film. And they are joined by the remaining members of Nirvana. And maybe this time they have an actual hard day’s night instead of running around in a field. No, wait, we have to have that, so…Nevermind. YYEEEEEAAHHH!!
Special cameo: Yoko Ono. LOL j/k. David Bowie.
7. Annie Hall 2: The Later Years
I want to see a realistic sequel to Woody Allen’s 1977 cinematic love note to Diane Keaton, and that means Annie Hall 36 years later. Alvy and Annie get back together because they’re both still single and miserable. Annie has a daughter from a previous marriage with Paul Simon’s record producer character. Their bitter divorce is what ended her career. Alvy, however, is a superstar writer. His success bothers Annie, because he’s a real jerk about it and she’s really independent. Rather than sit down with her and talk it out, Alvy has sex with her 18 year-old daughter. So then Annie has sex with a 25 year-old musician. So Alvy kills himself, but not until after delivering a very funny monologue about how silly relationships are.
Special cameo: Daniel Radcliffe as the musician, but with a Brooklyn accent.
6. The Shawshank Redemption 2: Further Redemption
They find Andy and they put him back in jail.
Special cameo: Susan Sarandon as the judge who sentences him, just to make things really uncomfortable.
5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind II: Eternally Spotless
This movie hit me right in all of my 3 feelings. I think a lot of us related to Clem. We hated her, we loved her, we wanted to be her. And I wanted my Joel. And I loved them together.
The end of the film [SPOILERS] suggest that they were going to give their relationship another chance but will forever erase each other and then get back together and repeat this over and over. (This is suggested by the very last frames of the film where they’re running on the beach and it replays over and over and each time the frame gets lighter and lighter until it fades to white. Also in the original screenplay they actually show an old Clem going back to the facility to erase Joel for the bajillionth time.) [SPOILERS OVER]
So in the sequel, we would see their second attempt at their relationship. Knowing what they already know and love and hate about each other, how would they approach this one differently, and how will it inevitably fall apart? And how many more hair colors will Kate Winslet’s Clementine have? And what cool outfits and witty comments? I just need to see them together again!
Special cameo: We would absolutely have to bring back David Cross as the dude who was angrily building a bird house. Maybe this time he worked his way up and builds a dog house.
4. Clueless 2: Still Clueless
Cher Horowitz and Josh are married and super happy. But Cher made some bad investments and in 2008 everything went up in flames. Her dad won’t help her, Josh works two jobs and Cher is still utterly clueless. She and Dionne decide to set up an Etsy store selling Cher’s designer clothes. But then everybody realizes that they’re in their 40s and they’re massive failures. Sorry, I’m running out of ideas.
Special cameo: The cat Salem from Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. Just because.
3. Still No Country For Old Men
We find out what happened to Tommy Lee Jones after he finished describing his dream: he eats more breakfast, gets his dream diary and reads the last 30 entries staring directly into the camera. Then it cuts to black again.
Special cameo: Morgan Freeman’s voice as Tommy Lee Jones’ voice.
2. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 2.
Okay, let me explain the reasoning behind this one. The original Indiana Jones trilogy ended after The Last Crusade. Then almost 30 years later, George Lucas thought, “Maybe everyone’s wrong. Maybe I don’t have enough money” and so he made a fourth Indiana Jones film (Indiana Jones and Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) and put Shia LeBeouf in it and aliens or something and people hated it, mostly because they felt it ruined the spirit of the entire franchise. And that it wasn’t very good. So if Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 2 happens, we can use that to completely erase anything that happened in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We’ll just pick right back up from the moment where Sean Connery’s character says, “We named the dog Indiana” and follow them to brunch or something and wait for the next inevitable adventure to pop up.
Special cameo: George Lucas as a janitor, cleaning up a gigantic mess in Indy’s office, apologizing profusely.
1. Marley & Me & Marley the 2nd
They get another dog and that one dies too.
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