Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

10 Ridiculous Things You Can Buy For $10,000

What would you buy if you had $10,000 and the sole condition that you had to spend it on something ridiculous? I was inspired by this gentleman in Lushan County, Henan province who spent 100,00 yuan for something known as an “emperor style bath”.

Basically he dropped money to have two “concubines” feed him and hang out with him in a bath while people watched. Now this may not seem ridiculous to him, and I’m not insulting him by saying that this in and of itself is ridiculous. What it made me realize was that there are no limits to spending money if you have it. And if you wanted to spend it in the most ridiculous ways possible, there’s a whole world of opportunity to do so. Here’s some ideas.

10. A desk made out of a Corvette

Baby, you’re much too fast.

Instead of a desk, I have a lap (don’t worry, it’s mine). Do you have a desk? Oh, you do? Well, aren’t we fancy, Kate Middleton! Do you ever get the urge to drive and do work on your fancy desk at the same time? That’s only natural. With this desk that looks like a Corvette, you can. You can sit at this desk and make “Vroom vroom!” noises and then drift into a peaceful slumber in your race car bed. And then watch your friends disappear. Or INCREASE!

Custom-made Corvette desk, $2,000. Get two!

9. A Rocking Chair Bed

For maximum foolishness, sleep in an abandoned warehouse.

Do you like sleeping in an enclosed bed? Do you like the feeling of sleeping like you’re on the high seas? Do you like the idea of sleeping in something like looks like a barrel? Bro. BRO. Bro. Rocking chair bed. Because nothing can go wrong.

Rocking chair bed, $6,500

8. A Hobbit Home.

Kind of loses the effect with the utility pole in the background.

Beach house? Why not Zoidberg Hobbit House? This is a great place to duck away for some studying, or meditation, or spontaneous freakouts. And you’ll even have money left over, which you could use for wizard robes or little hats or whatever Hobbits wear.

Hobbit Home, $4,695.

7. A lifelike bust to hold your ashes.

Don’t you…forget about me. DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T.

This is more creepy than ridiculous. If you’d like to be cremated but want an urn with personality, you can get one that’s sculpted to look exactly like you, like the Barack Obama urn pictured above. You don’t even NEED to be a ghost when you can haunt the living this perfectly. The full-sized 11 inch urn is $2,600, so with 10k you can get one for your spouse or each member of your family.

Personal Cremation Urns, $600 – $2,600.

6. A “Water Thrusting Jet Bike.”

I just, I can’t.

A what? “Feel the rush of riding a motorcycle with flight capabilities with this water thrusting jet bike…It combines jet propulsion and water to bring you a devastatingly fun recreational vehicle guaranteed to improve any day at the beach or lake.” Oh, okay. So basically this is nothing. Perfect!

Water Thrusting Jet Bike, $9,000

5. A BBQ grill shaped like a giant gun

Happiness is a warm grill.

It’s pistols at dawn…and BURGERS! Whaaa? Yes, if you’ve dreamed of cooking meat on an oversized gun then you’re probably a character from King of the Hill. If by some chance you aren’t, then, well, here you go. Knock yourself out.

Pistol BBQ Grill, $7,500.

4. A Waterproof Pool Table.

Everyone knows the best part of playing pool is the part where you get horribly sunburned.

For all once of those times when you wanted to play pool in a pool. Because you were drunk, and you thought such a thing had been invented, until your friend screamed, “DAVE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, AND HOW DID YOU GET MY POOL TABLE IN THE POOL???” This one’s for you, Dave.

Waterproof Pool Table, $6,500.

3. A really expensive cocktail.

Has a woodsy undertone and a bit of an “I really want people to hate me” taste.

At London’s highly exclusive Playboy club, the legendary cocktail-connoisseur Calabrese was delighted to mix the luxury $8,830 concoction using the 240-year old ingredients dating back to before the French Revolution. Defined to be a classic blend of vintage ingredients, the cocktail dubbed as ‘Salvatore’s Legacy’ was bought by an affluent long-term client of Calabrese.

Basically it’s a cocktail made from lots of old alcohol, costs $8,830 and doesn’t even come with a cool hat or anything.

The “Salvatore’s Legacy” cocktail, $8,830.

2. Jeans.

Just because you don’t have a time machine doesn’t mean you can’t travel back to 2005.

Clothing designer Key Closet is selling diamond-studded denim for thousands of dollars. There’s one full diamond carat on each back pocket. They are obviously hand wash only. They are also obviously stupid.

Diamond-Studded Dragon/Tiger denim, $10,000.

1. Gold Pills.

Marie Antoinette’s vitamins

At least the other products offered some sort of function. Some by a larger stretch than others, but at least they did something or provided some sort of entertainment or instant gratification. Not these. These are 24 leaf gold capsules that you swallow for no reason. There are no health benefits. But you’ll poop gold. And you can go up to people in restaurants and say, “I just swallowed gold. Because I can. How’s your sandwich?” For $10k you can get almost a six month supply. Gold pills, $425 (doesn’t say for how many).

All of these products will go great with this list of Gifts For Rich Folk. And if you have even more to spend, you can go the Beyonce/Jay-Z route and buy an $80K Barbie doll. Wheeeee!

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