If there is anything I have learned from my time spent at nightclubs, it’s that you should never attempt to identify any foreign substances stuck to your shoes. Ignorance truly is bliss. Also: there is a subset of club-goers, typically of the male persuasion, who think it is perfectly acceptable to approach a dancing woman from the rear – having never exchanged so much as a word or a glance with her – and grind his genitals into her buttocks region. Yes! It’s true! Eschewing the more traditional “Hello,” these men introduce themselves with a dry hump. Well, hello there, indeed.
And if there is anything I have learned from my time spent listening to hip-hop, it’s that we can blame Shawty for popularizing this phenomenon – as she ALWAYS seems to be hitting the floor (she hit the floor) in dem Apple Bottoms jeans and the boots with the fur, going low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low and just generally deluding men into believing this is acceptable behavior.
As charming as it may be, not all of us ladies swoon when a stranger dry humps our behind. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still have some fun with it. Which is why I offer this list of wacky comebacks:
10. “Hey, while you’re back there, can you tell me: Do those chicken tikka appetizers in my pants make my butt look big?”
9. (WITHOUT TURNING AROUND) “Cousin Leon? Is that you?”
8. “I think we should just be Facebook friends. You’ll be excited to know I use my cat as my profile picture, post all of my quiz results and have a TON of games to invite you to…”
7. “Good news: I met my last three husbands this way.”
6. (MURMURED WHILE GENITALS ARE IMPLANTED IN BUTTOCKS REGION) “It’s sweet you don’t mind a girl with active hemorrhoids.”
4. “Wow! Look at you! You and my dad could totally be twins.”
3. “Question for you: Can you tell I’m a female impersonator?”
2. “If I wanted to back into that, sir, I would beep first. Like this: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” (Pro tip: For maximum effect, gesticulate wildly and widen eyes to point of complete insanity.)
1. “I know it’s hard to tell in the dark, but these are not, in fact, Apple Bottom jeans. My boots? Fur-less. So…you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir.”
By Candy Kirby
Featured image via Shutterstock