10 Responses To Strangers Who Think It's Perfectly Acceptable to Grind Your Behind at NightclubsCandy Kirby

If there is anything I have learned from my time spent at nightclubs, it’s that you should never attempt to identify any foreign substances stuck to your shoes.  Ignorance truly is bliss.  Also:  there is a subset of club-goers, typically of the male persuasion, who think it is perfectly acceptable to approach a dancing woman from the rear – having never exchanged so much as a word or a glance with her – and grind his genitals into her buttocks region.  Yes!  It’s true!  Eschewing the more traditional “Hello,” these men introduce themselves with a dry hump.  Well, hello there, indeed.

And if there is anything I have learned from my time spent listening to hip-hop, it’s that we can blame Shawty for popularizing this phenomenon – as she ALWAYS seems to be hitting the floor (she hit the floor) in dem Apple Bottoms jeans and the boots with the fur, going low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low and just generally deluding men into believing this is acceptable behavior.

As charming as it may be, not all of us ladies swoon when a stranger dry humps our behind. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still have some fun with it.  Which is why I offer this list of wacky comebacks:

10.  “Hey, while you’re back there, can you tell me:  Do those chicken tikka appetizers in my pants make my butt look big?”

9.  (WITHOUT TURNING AROUND) “Cousin Leon?  Is that you?”

8.  “I think we should just be Facebook friends.  You’ll be excited to know I use my cat as my profile picture, post all of my quiz results and have a TON of games to invite you to…”

7.  “Good news:  I met my last three husbands this way.”

6.   (MURMURED WHILE GENITALS ARE IMPLANTED IN BUTTOCKS REGION) “It’s sweet you don’t mind a girl with active hemorrhoids.”

4.  “Wow!  Look at you!  You and my dad could totally be twins.”

3.  “Question for you:  Can you tell I’m a female impersonator?”

2.  “If I wanted to back into that, sir, I would beep first.  Like this:  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!”  (Pro tip:  For maximum effect, gesticulate wildly and widen eyes to point of complete insanity.)

1.  “I know it’s hard to tell in the dark, but these are not, in fact, Apple Bottom jeans.  My boots?  Fur-less.  So…you get nothing!  You lose!  Good day, sir.”

By Candy Kirby

Featured image via Shutterstock

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  1. I literally counted ‘low’s while singing to check haha! Great list

  2. This list is incredible. I think these would also make great comebacks to awful people who yell inappropriately sexual things at you even while walking down the street. Oh, the joys of being a woman.

  3. A quick spin and a knee in the groin should take care of the problem.

  4. Usually when dancing with friends we give a quick yay or nay regarding the guy behind, normally it’s a Nay any guy who is cool approaches from the front. Guys that hump from behind are usually the date rape types who look for wasted girls to go home with, they are so gross. I’m sort of the Alpha female upon seeing them I get all fake lesbian with my girlfriend and shove the guy off like a jealous lover. It works and my friends are thankful for it.

  5. Another one:
    INput ERror. Equipement not compatable.

  6. How about…
    “Hey — back the fuck up!”
    OR
    “What do you think you’re doing? Can you get off me?!”

    Play around with the lines — try out different tones and facial expressions. You’ll find your rhythm :)

  7. Ugh I hate this about clubbing – it stops me going out most of the time which is shit cos I love dancing with my friends! Definitely gonna be trying the BEEP BEEP BEEP one! :P