Valentine’s Day isn’t Valentine’s Day without someone trashing it on the Internet, and this year one of those people is me. Hooray! No, I’m not “bitter and single,” nor am I sipping on the haterade. In fact, I like romantic gestures like flowers and cute Post-its left on my bedside table. I love chocolate. I love going out to eat and paying way too much to go to the movies and then spending even more money on popcorn so salty I leave the theatre with prune-y fingers and wildly elevated blood pressure. I’m a sucker for romance, but I hate Valentine’s Day. Want to know why? Of course you do.
1. Red and pink make a terrible color combination.
Not to be trivial or anything, but who came up with the marriage between red and pink on Valentine’s Day? The only acceptable red and pink objects are the fruit punch and strawberry Starbursts… and even those are pushing it.
2. The traumatic flashbacks to Valentine’s Day circa 1997.
Remember when we all had to bring our classmates Valentines? I would say I miss those Toy Story/Aladdin/Rugrats/Tinkerbell slips of paper with love-y puns, but that would be a lie. Forcing little kids to give each other candy under false pretenses is so unnecessary and it truly sets them up for rejection later in life. Plus, all those Valentine’s Day crafts were so lame. I remember creating Valentine’s mail boxes which always looked like someone had thrown up glitter glue on a shoe box.
3. Restaurants on Valentine’s Day are ridiculous.
I’ve honestly never gone out to eat with my fiancée on Valentine’s Day because crowds make both of us nervous. Plus, the elongated wait sucks, and there’s usually some kind of overpriced prix fixe menu that serves pretentious seafood entrees like “green tea infused day scallops with drizzled organic gold sauce and bacon wrapped home-made tortilla chips on a bed of farm-to-table romaine lettuce.” Just give me steak. And multiple cocktails.
4. Girls at school with enough balloons to re-create Up.
In high-school, you knew whose boyfriend was the most thoughtful by the amount of heart-shaped balloons girls toted around. I wouldn’t have cared had these immense spheres not taken so much room in class or like, the bathroom when I would be trying to wash my hands.
5. Guys can get kind of weird about presents.
I mean, really. What is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift? It’s not a birthday present and it’s not a Christmas/Hanukkah present. It should be personal, but nothing too personal, like a dress from Anthropologie (although I wouldn’t complain). I guess jewelry is the safe bet, but it’s pretty overdone. Oh, the pressure.
6. It was just the holidays, and I’m broke.
I must confess, I still haven’t recuperated from holiday shopping. My tree is still up, and it’s starting to get ridiculous. The thought of putting more money into gifts or a getaway just stresses me out. Can Valentine’s Day at least be in May or something?
7. Girls’ Night Out can turn ugly.
When I was single, my friends and I agreed to go out somewhere and “have fun” and keep it “low key” but it never really turned out that way. Either we ended up feeling sorry for ourselves and watching Mommy Dearest, or one of us finished the night by puking on the toilet seat.
8. Roses aren’t that great.
And they’re expensive. A dozen roses are around sixty bucks on Valentine’s Day because, Capitalism. The mark-up is insane, and you can’t really go with any other options because a) all the guys have already snatched the cheaper options and b) if you try to buy some the day before, you’re out of luck too because corporations are always a step ahead of you. Can we just call it quits and ask for a gift card for H&M?
9. Lingerie is treacherous.
Sure, it’s pretty and lacy and sexy, but it’s itchy and expensive, too. Lingerie as a gift is also annoying because it’s not benefiting you, is it? This is obviously a personal preference, but I’m a pajama kind of girl and you can take it or leave it.
10. People get to whine about how much Valentine’s Day sucks.
But so what? It does.