10 Reasons Spring Breakers Makes Me Nervous

First, let me apologize. I know, you’ve read a lot about Spring Breakers in the past two weeks, including the awesome love story by Lesley Arfin. You’re probably sick of hearing about it and reading about it and I get it. I really do. I spent hours trying to write about something else, but Spring Breakers kept clawing its way back into my mind. I tried, but I simply cannot think of anything but this movie. So, here it is: 10 Reasons Spring Breakers Makes Me Nervous. In my defense, I’ve resisted writing about Girls on many occasions. I’ve earned this one.

1. I Hated It

I hated it for all the reasons everyone else hated it. There wasn’t a story, there were no consequences, it was exploitative and unrealistic and repetitive. I’ve also read some well-written articles calling it racist, sexist and bad for the world. The thing that makes me nervous is that I don’t care. I don’t care that I hated it, because…

2. I Loved It

I loved it and I’m scared of what that says about me as a person. I’m kind of neurotic, very cautious and nervous about mostly everything. Spring Breakers is the most extreme version of my worst nightmare. It is terrifying and crazy and it made me super uncomfortable from start to finish. I guess I loved it in the same way people love Saw. I walked into the theater wanting to feel the feelings and it delivered tenfold.

3. I Can’t Stop Thinking About It

I haven’t analyzed something this much since the LOST finale. What does it all mean? Is it a social commentary? What if the whole movie is actually set inside the world of a videogame? The girls pass through each level of debauchery, winning points by being awful people and losing them by showing human decency. When they cry after being sexually harassed or shot, game over! Back to start! Or in this case… college. (Don’t worry. I’m concerned about me, too.)

4. How Am I Going To Watch Pretty Little Liars Now?

I’m sure a major selling point for the actresses in this film was the chance to bust out of their Disney and ABCFamily bubblegum mold and… mission complete, ladies! For real, though. How could you do this to me, Ashley Benson? How am I going to watch Pretty Little Liars without seeing to that one gun scene? Or that one pool scene? Or… any of it! Gawd! Is nothing sacred?

5. I Related To The Characters Way More Than I Should Admit

The characters in this film, like everything in this film, are extreme. So when I say that I relate to the characters, I’m sure I sound like a nutjob. However, if you take the girls from Spring Breakers, dial them down 2,000 percent, you get the basic framework for every group of friends I’ve ever had. I have a long history of befriending “wild child”s. In elementary school, they were the girls who went skinny dipping in the neighbor’s pool, while I stood guard, fully clothed. In high school, they were the girls parked outside the liquor store asking strange men to buy them booze, while I was on a snack run. The balance between being a part of the group and staying within my comfort zone has always been a challenge for me. So, I totally relate to these girls who steal a car, hold up a restaurant, set the car on fire, go to spring break, get arrested, are bailed out of jail by a drug lord and then become his little prodigies. My life is exactly like that!

6. Ugh, I’m Faith, Aren’t I?

I hated Faith. I wanted to smack her in the face. She slowed down the fun, whined and didn’t really add anything to the story. I couldn’t wait for her to die or go home. Then, when she did go home, it hit me… I’m Faith. I’m always the one in my group saying things like, “Guys, maybe we shouldn’t be doing this?” and “Hey, can you not open that beer in my car?” I’m totally Faith and now I’m nervous that people are hoping I die or go home. Thanks for ruining everything, Faith.

7. It Made Me Want To Break Stuff

I left the theater with the intense urge to cause destruction. Spring Breakers takes place in a world free of consequences. The closest thing these girls get to punishment is one night in jail and even then, they’re quickly bailed out by a stranger. I emerged from this consequence-free universe and I wanted to break something or run from the cops or do something wild. It was like I had star power in Super Mario Bros. I was invincible! Only, I wasn’t and unlike the world of spring break, this world has very real consequences. Which brings me to…

8. I Don’t Ever Want “My Littles” To See This

Selena Gomez posted a warning on her Facebook page, “Note: this movie is not for my littles” and it is absolutely NOT. It’s rated R for a reason and I’m very nervous about my littles seeing it. They grew up on High School Musical and Wizards of Waverly Place. They idolize Vanessa and Selena. If they want to see it, they’ll find a way to see it and that scares me because of the aforementioned lack of consequences. The girls get wasted and taunt a room full of drunk dudes, but are never assaulted. They do awful, horrible things and laugh about it while singing “Baby One More Time”. Adult viewers can, hopefully, distinguish between reality and the crazy world of this film, but young girls might find the crazy world alluring and while their little minds are forming ideas of right and wrong, it could be pretty dangerous. 

9. Why Was I The Only One Laughing?

I laughed through the entire movie. I found it hilarious. The whole thing was absurd and over-the-top and I just assumed it was meant to be taken as a joke. Then, I noticed no one else in the theater was laughing. Were they all too shell shocked to find it funny? Or is something seriously wrong with me because I giggled through that gun scene? It was funny, right? RIGHT? Someone back me up here.

10. James Franco’s Character Is Based On An Actual Human Being

James Franco’s character, Alien, is based on a Florida rapper who goes by the name Dangeruss. This guy exists and my world is a darker place knowing he’s out there somewhere, rapping about a fork and scamming on some dude’s daughter.

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break foreverrrrrrr.

Feature Image found via trbimg.com

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