This past weekend I was camping in Yosemite when a friend suggested we check out a place called Spider Cave. After everyone screamed “No!”, the friend explained that the cave was named after its spider-like shape, not for being filled with spiders. Regardless, just mention of the word spider launched an hour-long conversation about the creepy crawlers. Few things bring people together like spiders. Everyone has a good spider story. Even the dude who loves spiders has a tale of his pet tarantula escaping and turning up someplace terrifying.
While we never made it to Spider Cave, I did discover some new and exciting reasons to be terrified of spiders. So, without further ado, here are ten reasons why spiders make me nervous.
1. Some Spiders Bite
I know not many spiders bite, but some of them do! And I’m not skilled enough to know the difference on sight. Thus, the only logical response to spotting a spider is to scream and panic.
2. You Can Swallow Spiders In Your Sleep
I’m told (by Google) that the whole, “The average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year,” thing is a myth. However, just the knowledge that it is physically possible to swallow a spider in my sleep is enough to give me the willies. There was an episode of Raising Hope where Sabrina‘s character wears panty hose over her head at night to avoid inhaling insects and even though the episode was titled “Sheer Madness”, I though it was brilliant.
Despite my love of No Doubt, I hate walking into spiderwebs. I get that they’re essential for spider survival and they keep the fly population in check, but do they need to be at my eye level? I mean, let’s work together here, Spidey. The last thing you want is for me to walk through a web you’ve been spinning away at for days and the last thing I want is a web to the face. So, let’s compromise. You make your webs someplace hidden, preferably outside, and I won’t walk through them. Boom! Problem solved.
4. They’re Physically Disturbing
I’m eating right now, so I’m not gonna go into detail on this one, but GAH spiders are gross. The legs, the hair, the eyes, the fangs. Just, all of it. Bad. Bad. Bad.
5. They Have Magical Powers
No, you don’t believe me? Then you explain how they DISAPPEAR in the two milliseconds it takes for me to grab a tissue. Hmmm? Yeah. That’s what I thought. They’ve got secret powers and I don’t trust ‘em.
6. Spider-Man the Musical
This production was riddled with accidents and injuries. If I went to see this show, I would spend the entire time in a clenched up state of anxiety, just waiting for someone to fall and snap their neck. Thanks, but no thanks!
7. Giant CGI Spiders
I distinctly remember sitting in a movie theater back in 2006 when a Charlotte’s Web trailer came on. Growing up, I was a huge fan of the animated version, so I was excited at the idea of a live-action remake. That is, until they showed a close-up of Charlotte. I screamed. These giant, life-like spiders are great for horror films, when the intent is to scare the crap out of your audience. In family films, though? Not cool. Not cool at all. Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you Harry Potter.
8. Sometimes Spiders Hide In Shoes
During our spider chat this weekend, one of my friends mentioned a time that she slipped her bare foot into a ballet flat, only to feel a slimy crunch. Ugh. I just, I can’t. That is so disgusting. I will now be examining every shoe I slip my foot into from this point forth.
9. Spiders Crawl Into Ears
One of my other friends told a story about a woman in China who went to the hospital with an itchy ear, only to learn that a spider been living in her ear canal for five days. I assumed this was an urban legend, like the story of the girl who had a pimple that was full of spider eggs, but a quick Google search and yeah, this one’s true. This can happen. Bring on the pantyhose head masks!
10. That Medusa Spider That Paralyzed Nikki and Paulo on LOST
It definitely doesn’t exist, but still gives me nightmares because holy crap they were buried alive and that is the scariest thing ever.
Feature Image via Allie Brosh’s awesome blog Hyperbole and a Half.