Things That Make Me Nervous

10 Reasons IKEA Makes Me Nervous

My first experience with IKEA was magical. I went with this super cute guy I had known for roughly 34 days. The store was basically empty and “There Goes The Fear” by The Doves started playing as the two of us ran from room to room playing house. After messing around in multiple kitchens, no one stopped us as we tumbled onto one of the display beds together in a passionate embrace. It was magical and whimsical and… oh wait, I’m thinking of Tom and Summer from 500 Days of Summer, every experience I’ve ever had with IKEA has been awful.

I hate IKEA and here are ten reasons why it makes me nervous.

1. IKEA Makes Me Want To Hit Everyone 

IKEA entryways have magical powers that turn everyone who walks through them into the worst versions of themselves. You might be a courteous polite person, but the second you walk into IKEA you transform into a complete monster shoving people, invading personal space, and yelling horrific things at your significant other. IKEA makes me want to hit everyone.

2. Invisible Employees

I know IKEA employees exist, I’ve seen them before. They’ve badgered me while I’m passing through Custom Shelving and Kitchen Design. However, the instant that I need help with something, they vanish. At their orientation it’s like, “Here’s your blue polo and here’s your invisibility cloak.” These magical customer service representatives clearly don’t work on commission.

3. Stores Shouldn’t Require Maps

IKEA is basically Super Mario Bros. I usually make it through The Storeroom levels and all the way to the towel level of The Marketplace before… womp womp womppppp (video game death noise) one wrong turn and I’m back at START. Somebody find me a secret pipe and get me the hell out of here!

4. I Don’t Speak Swedish

VITTSJÖ. TOFTERYD. FÖRHÖJA. These are real product names. While it’s nice to feel cultural while buying mass-produced furniture, it’s really frustrating when you’re asking for help locating a coffee table and you cannot pronounce the name of the item. It’s always a pleasant surprise when I actually leave with the items I intended to purchase.

5. The Warehouse

The Warehouse is where relationships are ruined. You each think the other wrote down the aisle and bin number of the kitchen table, turns out neither of you did. You separate, divide and conquer, while fuming about how irresponsible the other is. How could they not write down the number? You specifically asked if they wrote down the number! This is just ridiculous. Absurd. Forty minutes and twenty angry texts later, you find the table and leave in bitter silence.

6. They’re Out of the One Thing I Actually Came For

I went to IKEA to buy a shelving unit last year. I spent two hours painstakingly deciding on a unit. I went down to The Warehouse to collect the 5×5 birch Expedit I had agonized over only to find that they were out. They had the 4×4 birch and the 5×5 white, but no 5×5 birch. I lost it and started crying in Aisle 5. I couldn’t help it, IKEA brings out the worst in people.

7. I Don’t Need Any of This Crap!

On my last trip to IKEA I had a list of specific items I needed: storage cubes, dresser drawers and a mirror. When I got to the register and started loading items onto the belt I had: decorative jars, candles, a basket and a frame. How did all of these things get into my cart? It was like waking from a dream. I ended up apologizing to the cashier, abandoning my cart and walking out.

8. The Food

The meatballs contain horse meat? The chocolate and butterscotch almond cakes contain fecal matter? Do I even want to know why the hot dogs are so cheap? I no longer trust you, IKEA food. Not even you, $1 Frozen Yogurt.

9. Getting It All Home

First there is the issue of leaving all your stuff on the sidewalk as you run to get your car. Then, once you finally get your car to the loading station, you have to figure out how to cram it all in. This often means having your roommate grasp onto one end of a box while the other end sticks out of the trunk, driving as slowly as possible and praying for the best. I’ve never lost anything, but it’s been touch and go a few times.

10. Build It Yourself or Die Trying!

I always start off my IKEA construction projects excited, like I’m a contestant on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. It’s a game and I’m going to win. Then, after an hour, I realize I’ve built the entire thing backwards, throw my Allen Wrench against the wall and apologize for all the times I yelled at Beth during puzzle challenges. This puzzle stuff is HARD, yo.

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