From Our Readers 10 Reasons I am Glad To Not Be a Christmas Tree From Our Readers

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a Christmas tree this time of year?  The other evening, as I passed a lonely and dismal tree lot, I counted my blessings that I am not a Christmas tree.  It just so happens that there were actually ten blessings I counted — and here is why there were ten sweet, sweet blessings:

1. The very instant I am finally having the time of my life, someone would come out with a saw and cut me down with much brutality.
2. No one could hear me scream or tell great jokes.
3. Riding in a truck bed, doing 60 mph in freezing temperatures while my needles are being ripped off is no way to ride.
4. Upon arrival at the Christmas tree marketplace, a guy would hack away at my severed trunk to “even me out.”
5. I would be placed among the other dying trees that no one can hear while they are screaming or telling relevant holiday jokes.
6. People would walk by and shake their heads at me in a disapproving manner.
7. Some drunk guy on Christmas eve would cuss something at me in a angry fashion, then I would be bound up, placed again in a cold truck bed, and sent down the frozen road.
8. Once in their ramshackle trailer, more limbs would be hacked off, then screws would be twisted into my base as I am positioned carefully between a Confederate flag and a nativity scene made of plastic.
9. I would be adorned with burdensome trinkets of varying sizes and varying Happy Meal toys.
10. a) I would either die of thirst and spontaneously explode or  b) slowly die of thirst and be set along the road only to be picked up by yet another truck that will take me to the junkyard.

What would be the worst thing to happen to you if you were, in fact, a Christmas tree at Christmas time?

You can read more from Kevin Keigley on his blog.

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  1. Bahaha a Confederate flag. This was my 3rd Christmas with my husband and we still haven’t managed the Tree Business. More reasons for me to get a fake tree when I finally do it.

    I suppose the worst things that would happen to me would be being peed on by a dog or clawed by a cat.

    • You’ll get there, Penelope! You certainly don’t have to water your fake tree (unless you feel so inclined). So that’s a plus.
      But if you were in the final stages of life as a Christmas tree, you may welcome the relief offered by the relief of the canine, given your parched circumstances.
      And the cat? Maybe after raking its claws over you, the dog would chase it up a tall tree as some form of sweet cosmic justice.

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