Back when I joined Facebook, it was still called “The Facebook” and you had to have a college email address to create an account. Things were simple then. You could keep in touch with your friends from high school and meet new people at your college in a safe restricted space on the web. Then, ish got cray. They started allowing high school students and the next thing I know, I’m getting a friend request from my mother. Since moving across the country from most of my family and friends I’ve learned to love and appreciate this new version of Facebook. It allows me to keep in touch with a wider range of people and share important moments with everyone all at once. However, despite my fondness for The Book, it still makes me pretty nervous.
Here are ten reasons why Facebook makes me nervous…
1. My Mother Frickin’ Loves Facebook
She knows too much and shares too much. Whenever I’m within two feet of a guy in a picture, I get a call asking if we’re dating. There have been multiple occasions where I’ve had to text her to delete a troubling Facebook status. While the free flow of Facebook content has made our friendship stronger, I live in constant fear knowing she’s out there gathering ammunition for her next act of parental embarrassment.
2. The Never Ending Spiral of Stalking
I log on to wish someone a happy birthday. The next thing I know it’s two hours later and I’m scrolling through pictures of my ninth grade boyfriend’s new girlfriend. It’s like a Facebook blackout. I can’t control it. It just happens and it’s very troubling.
3. Resisting The Urge To Engage The Crazy
I’m all for being passionate about your beliefs, but when you’re 20 comments deep debating gay rights on the Facebook page of your liberal nephew, you need to check yourself. I had to ban myself from da book during the last election to prevent from engaging all the crazy flying around my feed.
4. Accidentally Typing The Name of The Person You’re Stalking Into Your Status
I’ve never done it, but I’ve been close many, many times. It’s terrifying, especially when it’s someone you haven’t seen or spoken to in five years. You should not be stalking this person, but you heard they got hot and you need to check it out for yourself. There’s no logical excuse as to why their name would ever be your Facebook status and there’s no lying your way out of it. The horror!
5. Oh Yah, I Saw That On Facebook
I hung out with a friend I hadn’t seen for a while this past weekend. She started to tell me a story and I replied, “Oh yah, I saw that on Facebook.” While Facebook is great for keeping up with people, sometimes I wish I could hear the story about how you met Trevor from O-Town at karaoke without a Facebook status ruining it.
6. The Creepy Dude I Met Briefly Three Years Ago Keeps Poking Me and I’m Pretty Sure He’s Going To Murder Me
I know I can de-friend and block him, but at this point he already knows too much. De-friending will only incite anger. My friends are really into checking in… I am not hard to find.
7. Your Marriages and Babies Make Me Question All of My Life Choices
I’m pretty pleased with where I am in life, yet every now and then my news feed fills up with babies and weddings I question every choice I’ve ever made. These girls are my age and they’re married with children, am I not where I’m supposed to be? Should I be settling down and starting a family? At what age do I start freezing my eggs? And so forth and so forth.
I moved across the country. That doesn’t mean you’re allowed to hang out together in my absence. How dare you have fun without me and then have the nerve to post pictures all over my Facebook feed. That is strictly against the binding contract of our friendship. You owe me three heart-to-hearts and two dance parties the next time I’m home.
9. Facebook Birthday Etiquette
I’m sorry, I am not spending my entire birthday responding to and liking Facebook statuses. I will maybe post a “Thanks for all the birthday wishes!” thing at some point, but that’s about it. It took you 5 seconds to type “happy birthday! : )” you didn’t bail me out of jail. Everyone needs to set the bar accordingly so I don’t feel like a jerk when you respond to my birthday wish and I never respond to yours. Mmmkay?
10. I Want To Be Judged By The Content of My Character, Not The Content of My Facebook Page
One of my biggest fears regarding Facebook is that people I’ve just met who befriend me on Facebook will form opinions on me solely based on the content of my Facebook page. There’s more to me than singing my heart out to Ke$ha in a silly theme party outfit. Not a whole lot more, that’s pretty much the gist, but I do read and write and craft and stuff. I’m a somewhat well-rounded individual and I feel as though those aspects of my personality don’t shine as brightly via The Social Network.
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