10 People I Am (Sometimes) Jealous Of… Even Though I Know I Shouldn't Be

My Yoga Instructor

My yoga teacher is amazing. I am in awe of how strong her body is and how fluidly she moves into each pose. She also has supreme self-confidence in her own skin, knowing full well what her body can do. She is never in a bad mood and always seems totally at peace. I envy how grounded she is. However, she does not shave her armpits or legs. I get this is an “au natural” thing, but every time her arms reach up, my eyes lock on her armpit hair with a missile like intensity, as does everyone else’s eyes in the class. I would hate it if people constantly stared at my pits. It would give me a complex. She doesn’t believe in deodorant or hair brushes, either. She also drinks a mysterious liquid out of an old pickle jar that I assume is tea, but could, in actual fact be something with a high pee content, given the color.

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon is adorable. She is America’s Sweetheart. People love her.  I wonder what it would be like to have everyone just assume I was this really nice person. No one thinks that about me. I know that I am too mouthy and opinionated to make that sort of impression. But as we’ve seen recently, it’s tough out there for a good girl. You have a couple drinks, say something stupid to a couple police officers and the whole world gasps. Not Reese!  So then she has to spend a bucket load of cash and hatch an entire strategic plan involving dozens of people to weather the storm of one stupid outburst. Let me just tell you, no one would have expected an apology on Good Morning America  from Angelina Jolie. It would be mind numbing to have to so be nice all the time.

A Random Supermodel

Supermodels are gorgeous. They have insane bodies. They are invited to all the best parties. They get access to the most amazing clothes in the world and they get to travel constantly. Generally, they are very glamorous ladies. But, man, they don’t get to eat, like, ever. They probably have to hop on a scale a dozen times a day. People assume they are dumb (because who wants to think someone can be beautiful and smart?) They have to live on airplanes and don’t actually get to see the countries they model in. Someone is always doing their hair or make up and futzing about with their face. Posing is hard. And once you get old, see you later. It’s the only job in the world where a 14-year-old can replace a grown woman. No thanks.

Childless People

Pretty self explanatory, I think.

Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is super chic, super lovely and super skinny (even pregnant). She is about to give birth to a future king or queen and become part of history. Also, she is given the opportunity to a have a life dedicated to the service of others but still come home and actually be waited on hand and foot. Nice. But then again, it’s not as if it happened Cinderella style. It’s not as if he saw her and like a minute later they were married. She had to wait for years before she locked it down. You know that had to be torture. Everyone is always scrutinizing her and God forbid she make a mistake… like, sweariing or something under her breath – she would be lambasted. Also, I wonder how easy her in-laws are (if you know what I’m saying). Uhh… no.

The President Of The United States

Being President would be amazing. Imagine being to enact real change in the scope of human history. You are the leader of the free world. There are hundreds of people who would and are actually trained to, take a bullet for you. You travel all over the world in your massive plane and everyone, no matter what their politics would feel that spending even 10 seconds in your presence, was one of the most unforgettable moments of their lives. That said, talk about pressure. I mean, I freak out when I’m stuck in traffic and have to get home to make dinner. Being president is all pressure, all the time. You literally carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You might have great ideas, but there are literally thousands of people (the opposing party) dead set on not letting any of them see the light of day. Forget about ‘me’ time.  Your constituency bristles when you dare to take a vacation. There isn’t one moment of the day that isn’t planned or scheduled and you seem to age in dog years when you are actually in office. No one ever looks refreshed after leaving the presidency.

Ru Paul

Ru Paul is the most glamorous woman in the world. She has a fantastic figure and looks half her age. She has also managed to reinvent the modern day beauty pageant with her show Drag Race. She is wise and funny and the kind of person you would just really want to have as a friend. She is also a man. And black. And gay. Although she makes it look easy, I imagine that life has been incredibly difficult for her. She made some sweet ass lemonade of lemons. I’m pretty sure she’s almost 7 feet tall in her platforms which must come in handy, because I’m also sure she has to be the bigger person in a lot of situations. I suck at being the bigger person.

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