This is my first official letter to you I’ve ever composed. Please don’t be offended if it’s coming so late in my life. It’s nothing personal that I never believed in you. I just wasn’t raised in a household that allowed me to. When I was a little girl, I grew up in a house without a chimney, so that was strike one right there. Strike two was that said house was in a questionable neighborhood (there was a bar across the street diagonal to our backyard where people routinely got into street fights at). Would my parents ever leave the front or back door unlocked for you to come on in late at night? Not in a million years. So I’m sorry about my lack of beliefs in you but if it’s any consolation, I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, either.
This year I write you with one request: I would like a cute guy for Christmas. My life is starting to resemble a chick flick. Single successful twenty-something girl who writes all the time and works nonstop! She is fulfilled in every aspect but just one, according to our Noah’s Ark society: the lack of a leading man in her life. Cut to scenes of me crying in the bathtub while watching Love, Actually, violently throwing clothes off their hangers in my bedroom when I see yet another Facebook friend engaged and gorging on almond crescent Keebler cookies to numb my loneliness. When will that “meet cute” Hollywood moment arrive for me when I run into a guy in the street and fall into his arms? Or when I meet a handsome stranger at Starbucks and somehow Natasha Bedingfield’s ‘Unwritten’ comes on in the background?
Just kidding, Santa!
I am my own leading woman in this life. And I don’t actually do any of those things, except for the watching of Love, Actually but that’s, like, my official Christmas movie so it doesn’t count. Santa, I’d much rather have a five second glance into my future via a crystal ball to see what the guy of my future dreams looks like. Wouldn’t that be awesome if we could all get that quick glance? Would it not save us all a lot of time and heartbreak and the aforementioned cookie gorging if we had a clear picture of who the person we’d end up with looked like? I don’t even need that Santa, I would just as well settle for a first name of this future guy. With a last name included, too. Might as well get an early Google search going on with this while I can.
But if you can’t help me out with this, Santa, could you maybe leave a handsome fellow under the nonexistent tree in my living room? One of the following 10 I’ve provided below will do just fine. Wrapping paper is entirely optional.
See above photo for the man I’m talkin’ about. We ALL miss our favorite pie maker, Ned from Pushing Daisies, like crazy. Look at that face! He’s the kind of guy who you’d go ice-skating with and if you fell down, he’d laugh and fall down with you like a couple of crazy kids.
I’ve had the biggest crush on this Brit ever since, um, forever? It’s something in the eyes and the smile, they’re both extremely kind and gentle to look at. And also, his performance in The Constant Gardener, ughhhh, what a perfect future husband. I have a big thing for older men and if they also have accents, that’s the end of me. I’m done.
A Young Warren Beatty
This photo is changing your life right now, isn’t it? It forever altered mine. Look at this specimen of a man. Warren was a stone cold fox. Way to go, Annette Bening.
That one hot guy from my senior year of high school class
In the memoir of my life, this one will take up about 4 pages as being my tragic eternal crush that will never come to life (and probably shouldn’t, either, for about a bajillion reasons I won’t put here). When I was a senior in high school, we had a couple of new guys transfer in which caused quite the stir since they were all cute. The one that all the girls in my grade were all obsessed with was this guy named John who looked like a combination of Pete Doherty mixed with James Dean elements. The dude didn’t care about getting to class on time or combing his hair and this enigmatic persona had a million (okay, like 30) girls falling over themselves for him. I was late to that game, unable to grasp what it was about him until it was the second semester and he smiled at me for the first time, really smiled. Oh. That’s it.
Dimitri from Anastasia
Yes, this man is animated and in a historically inaccurate film that my 10-year-old Russian Revolution-obsessed self could not stand, but he is the most beautiful animated man that exists in the world. Challenge me on it, I dare you. Under the nonexistent tree you go! We’ll work out the real world-animated world issues later.
You’re so, so adorable in The Lonely Island that it hurts. I imagine we could both have a very lively evening drinking together and cracking dirty jokes at an expensive restaurant.
Adrien Brody circa that Stella Artois commercial
He looked so wonderful crooning away in those 30 seconds that sounds that aren’t even coherent are finding a way of coming out of my mouth. Swooning now. Need a fainting couch ASAP.
Aaaaaand just one more beautiful Brit for the list, my dear sweet Matthew Crawley from Downton Abbey. Dan is also my token blonde guy on this list. It’s really rare for me to go for a blondie but he’s just so damn attractive, I couldn’t say no.
RDJ (Robert Downey Jr)
Robert Downey Jr, AKA the all-around great package of guy who was down on his luck and came back bigger and wittier than ever. I know you’re married, RDJ, but never fear. I’m not a weird homewrecker or anything (though I am weird enough to compile a list of 10 men I would like giftwrapped to me), I would just like a day out at the movies seeing something absolutely terrible with you for the snarky comment factor. Which I’m sure would come in spades.
I’ve been very blessed that at this current stage in my life, one of my jobs involves standing on the red carpet and interviewing celebs for awards ceremonies. On this same carpet, I have seen the Hamm and been within 5 feet of him. He was running late that particular evening and therefore didn’t get interviewed by anyone, but holy smokes, the man was perfection in person. His image will be burned on my retinas for the rest of my life.
Psst, Santa, if you want to leave him under the nonexistent tree dressed like Don Draper, I totally wouldn’t have a problem with that.