Usually if I wrote anything about Valentine’s Day it would be one line about how I wish a house would fall on me like the Wicked Witch of the East or how I hope we all drown in this rain. However, this year I was asked to find the positives about being single on Valentine’s Day. I dug deep.
1. Heart Shaped Pizza -Papa John’s has a heart shaped pizza available for Valentine’s Day. According to CNN they sold more than 60,000 in 2011 and were expected to sell more than 75,000 last year. Ordering one of these alone and taking it to the face is basically taking part in a new American tradition. It’s downright patriotic.
2. Save Money – You know what’s expensive for Valentine’s Day? Everything. Just everything. Flowers, candy, dinner. Fancy underwear. Save money for something cool. Like rent. Or the cable bill. Or treat yourself to a steak dinner after work one day.
3. No Reservations – For the 6th year in a row White Castle will be taking Valentine’s Day reservations. They are already booked solid. Yeah, reservations are way hard to make on Valentine’s Day. Think of all the aggravation you are saving yourself. It’s refreshing.
4. No Candles – Candles are romantic as you look at somebody across a dancing flame. Less romantic when they were knocked over by a cow and burned down all of Chicago in 1871. These things are a fire hazard! Trust Smokey the Bear. Only you can prevent candle fires!
5.Rest – It’s Thursday. You’re halfway through the work week. Already feeling grinded down and ready to quit. How are you supposed to make it to the next weekend? That’s crazy. This is a good rest day. Stay home. Order in. Get a Redbox movie. Me? I’m not even waiting to get home. I’m going to change into a robe on my lunch break. Straight lounging.
6. No deadly roses– 90% of flowers come from Colombia or Ecuador. Also from there, banana spiders. These bad boys were credited in the 2012 Guinness Record Book as the world’s most dangerous spider. There is nothing to stop them from hiding in a rose. I’d go as far as to say by sniffing one up close you are risking certain death. Don’t you die on me.
7. Chocolate – Empty calories. Caffeine is a drug. If your dog gets a hold of it he will die. They are mined like blood diamonds. What do you think it grows on trees? Actually it does. It does grow on trees. And the workers sing happy songs while they pick it down. Chocolate is the best thing ever and if you are single you get all of it. You can pinch them to see what’s inside and not worry about sharing them. Save me a coconut!
8. Hallmark Holiday – Let’s say you have lots of money, rest all the time, don’t like pizza and don’t have a dog. Congratulations. I’m happy for you. Aren’t you tired of being perfect though? Did you ever daydream that it was you getting on the back of Rob Van Winkle’s motorcycle in Cool As Ice and speeding off? You’re a secret rebel inside. You want to foil this corporate greed machine. Well if you are single on Valentine’s Day you can do that in a much easier way than sleeping outside at an Occupy protest. You can choose to do nothing. Don’t buy up all the goofy nonsense these fat cats want you to get.
9. Mom – Get mom something. She raised you. Yes, we’re still sticking it to the man and roses are deadly. Maybe get her a bathrobe. I don’t know. Call her. Tell her you love her. She’ll appreciate it.
10. Get lucky – There are a lot of single people out there. Everybody feels a little more desperate on Valentine’s Day. I’m not suggesting you take advantage of that. This isn’t the Pick Up Artist’s Handbook. No peacocking required. However, this might be a day where it’s a little easier to break the ice with a stranger. Make a connection on the train. Offer some pinched chocola
By Jim Brennan.
Feature image via.