I like to think of Facebook as an US Weekly to our lives.
Our statuses act as the headline, where our photos, comments and ‘LIKES’ are the article’s content. Similar to the ads people flip by, there are the ‘Facebook Statuses Nobody Cares About’.
1. What You’re Eating.
Wow, you’re eating sushi? That’s really interesting! You must be really cultured. I’m also very moved by your aerial photograph of wasabi and soy sauce.
2. What You’re Doing All Day.
Though I haven’t noticed many as of late, they still pop up here and there. These posts contain a never-ending list of mundane tasks:
“Big Day! Breakfast / Cat Sitting / Lunch with mom / Days of Our Lives / Gym / Dinner / Nap / Jersey Shore / Warm Milk / Bed.”
3. Vague Mood Descriptors.
These people say something along the lines of “worst mood ever!” Then, when somebody caves and asks them what’s wrong, they say “nothing” or “don’t worry about it”. Well, here’s an idea – if you don’t want to tell us what’s wrong, don’t inform us something’s wrong in the first place, attention seeker.
4. Linking To A Song Nobody Likes, Boosting Your Indie Cred.
Oh? You haven’t heard of (insert unknown artist here)? You HAVE to check them out. It will change your life!
*cue video of desolate guitarist donning plaid button-up and beanie.
5. Agree With Me!
Saying something that everybody will agree with so people will either LIKE or interact with your post.
“I Hate Having a Cold!”
6. Bashing Somebody Without Mentioning Their Name.
This can come in the form of “I hate it when people steal your favourite hat, then lie about it to your face.” Or “Wow, what kind of friend leaves you at the club for a one-night stand? Not cool.” It’s completely understandable. You’re upset. Problem is, nobody else really cares.
7. Posting A Video Everybody’s Already Seen.
“Ahh! Check out this video of a cat playing the keyboard—it’s so funny!”
While it’s true that YouTube sensation “Keyboard Cat” is an entertaining (and kind of kitschy) video, you aren’t the trailblazer behind this its success, unfortunately.
8. Lyrical Post.
Though this isn’t as common as the others, lyrical posters make a habit of posting a daily lyric in their status. They don’t necessarily say anything informative but people don’t really know how to react. Lyrics about infidelity? Were you cheated on? Doubtful. The post would be a lot more descriptive than a lyric.
9. Quoting Undeserving People.
Inspirational quotes occur from time to time and that’s fine. My problem is when people quote stupid things that ‘famous’ people say. Here are a few Jersey Shore quotes I’ve noticed lately:
“Wahh” – Snooki
“Oh yeah, (insert verb) yeah!” – Pauly D
“You like the boobs!?” – Deena
“She’s too young for you, bro!” –Vinnie and Pauly D
10. Lurk Post.
This happens when you receive a notification on a photo taken of you months (or even years) ago. It’s obvious that the lurk was on your page for a while, searched your archived photo albums, found one they liked and commented on it.