I get it. Sometimes you need to be a jerk. Like when your assistant, Todd, gets you an extra-foamy latte. Doesn’t he know that foam makes you all farty and bloated?
Maybe you’re not being the best jerk you can be. You can do it! Just follow this guide.
10. Give everyone obnoxious nicknames. Erika is, “The Kay-ster, nice to see ya!” Nick becomes, “N-Man! How’s it going?” The more obscure, the jerkier it is. Make “Jay Jay”, a nickname in and of itself, “Jboat Overdrive” and you’re in business.
9. Always, always, always answer your cell phone. First inform whoever you’re talking to in person that you “gotta take this” but never, never, never apologize for it. Then have a loud conversation, hold up one finger to the person you’re talking to (as in, “1 minute”) but continue to carry on for as long as you deem necessary.
8. Ask people how they’re doing but before they can respond say, “Great!” and keep walking.
7. Talk about encounters you have with C to B list celebrities. If you don’t know any celebs, that’s okay. Make stuff up. Pick up a Life & Style rag for ideas on who to talk about. Something like, “I was at Starbucks and Ashley Tisdale mistakenly took my drink. Such a sweetheart though. She offered to buy it for me. I was like, honey, please. Really tall girl.”
6. It’s important to let people know what restaurants you frequent. Think of how much better off they’ll be knowing that the sea urchin ceviche at Dorsia is top notch. If someone mentions a restaurant that you haven’t been to, but they ask you if you have, wince and say, “Not since they got a new chef.” Trust me, it will work. And you’ll come off looking awesome.
5. Randomly yell at people. Try finding a new person to yell at every day. Keep it fresh and unpredictable. Children are great to yell at, because they cry so easily.
4. You know that friend of yours who plays guitar for a hobby? Now he’s a band. An up-and-coming band. Talk about this band all the time and how they want you to help them “rise to the top”. Mention that you’ve collaborated on a music video. If someone asks you the name of the band, think of a noun and add “explosion” to it. “Fruit Explosion”, “Werewolf Explosion”, “Explosion Explosion” all work well. When someone says that they’ve never heard of them, snort very quietly and say, “Yeah, they’re new.” Mumble something about Paste Magazine and Nylon and get the hell out of there.
3. Be contrary. If someone likes something, don’t like it. If someone doesn’t like something, like it. If you get stuck just pause and suck in air through your teeth and say, “Yeeeahhh… I’m not really sure about that.” Mutter something about how you’re “not on the same page”. It’s really important that stress the first part of “Yeeeeaaa-hhhh.” Sound those vowels out like Henry Higgins.
2. Whenever you invite someone over greet them holding your vinyl collection. Of course your collection is too big to hold all of it, so just pick the best records and cradle them in your arms like a baby, making sure that the titles are facing forward. “Come on in,” you’ll say, “I was just listening to this bootleg 1967 live Nina Simone record that I got at a garage sale in Austin for $1.75. Crazy, right?” If you’ve never been to Austin, sub it for “San Fran”/”Brooklyn”/”Portland” or wherever your grandma lives if you want to be really obscure.
1. Be Charlie Sheen.
Do this and you stand a chance of either having no friends or of being the most successful person ever. It’s really a toss-up.