10. “Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.” – Andy Warhol.
Are you thinking of reaching out to that cute girl in chem class? The one with the heavy bangs who browses Reddit on her laptop when she’s supposed to be taking notes? Wouldn’t you guys be perfect together? Yes, yes you would, you nerd. So definitely don’t ask her out. Don’t even talk to her. Just imagine her as your pretend girlfriend and life will be so much better that way. Don’t even look at her. She probably can’t see you through her bangs anyway.
9. “An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring… I ought to know.” – Bette Davis.
Whenever something sucks, you should quit. Just throw your hands up in the air sometimes saying, “Eeeeeohhh I don’t caarreeee-o.” Because divorce is so expensive. And trying to work things out is just so tiring. Instead, cheat. Cheating is great in all areas. It’s the shortcut to success. How could cheating on your partner NOT work? It lets you have fun and lets them know that they’re boring and probably the worst thing to ever happen to you. I think everyone wins in this situation.
8. “There’s only two people in your life you should lie to: the police and your girlfriend.” – Jack Nicholson.
And he would know! Am I right, Jack? You may think his advice is coming from one who flew over the cuckoo’s nest, but when it comes to tips on love, this is as good as it gets, because let me tell you, the love train is no easy rider and it takes a few good men to tell the truth all the time like Batman. About Schmidt.
7. “Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.” – Larry David.
Life is hard and at the end of it you just die anyway. People say in weddings all the time that it’s “’till death to us part”, but you’re lucky if you can get that far, because according to Larry David, every relationship is like something that snaps easily, like a thread – I was going to say a spider web, but those are actually surprisingly strong and I don’t want to praise spiders anyway because they’re nightmarish creatures who were sent here to scare us. However, David gave us one great piece of advice: “Women love a self-confident bald man.”
Speaking of self confident bald men…
6. “It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.” – Homer Simpson.
In a twisted way, this is almost zen. It’s like he’s speaking from a deeper place – that as humans we naturally want to shield ourselves from pain and sorrow and that most of the time we’ll hear what we want to hear and not what is really being said. I like the episode of The Simpsons where Homer tries to eat chips and a dog keeps eating the chip out of his hand.
5. “Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.” – Marilyn Monroe.
That’s the spirit, Marilyn! Ladies: if you want to holla at a guy, make sure he’s married. The best thing about married men is that they’re just so silly!
4. “Close the deal — do not date men for more than two years.” – The Rules, a dating book written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.
Because the idea is if you’re dating a man for two years it’s obviously because it’s leading to marriage and if he doesn’t propose at the end of two years you have wasted all of this time just…loving someone. Pathetic! Marriage is the goal here, people, don’t ever forget that. Aim for that ring. Dating is for losers and marriage is for winners. Make that boyfriend a husband, ladies, because somewhere a giant clock is ticking and when it hits the two year mark and you still don’t have a ring on your finger you are banished from womanhood forever.
3. “A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.” – Oscar Wilde.
Oscar Wilde? More like Oscar THE GROUCH! Am I right? Yeeeeaaaah up top!
2. “ There are no girls with good personalities.” – Patrick Bateman, American Psycho.
Okay, I guess this one is cheating, since it’s Patrick Bateman, Bret Easton Ellis’ homicidal manic preppy misogynistic killer – what can we really expect from him? But I’ve known “real life” men who offer this as a dating tip to guys who don’t know how to get along with women. And no wonder! Guys (and girls) reading this — personality is not gender based. Everyone sucks, everyone is great, everyone is different. Let’s all just hug each other! And keep the nail gun murders to a minimum. That’s also great advice: don’t murder your date. In addition to it being rude, it’s a total hassle.
1. “The reason you haven’t felt [love] is because it doesn’t exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons. You’re born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I’m living like there’s no tomorrow, because there isn’t one.” – Don Draper, Mad Men.