I’ve got a dirty hamper of a secret: men aren’t brooding. Men aren’t mysterious. And men certainly aren’t complex. We’re a vehicle inside of a car wash that lets you track our every movements and thoughts as you peer through the bubbly glass at our once dirty and now ready for Sunday dinner final presentation. I’ve always enjoyed a blustery guffaw whenever a woman tells me that a man “is hard to read”. No, reading with your eyes closed with makeshift spectacles crafted out of your overturned fingers is hard. Guys are easy peasy lemon squeezy when it comes to the thoughts snapping like bubble wrap inside of their square heads.
You just have to learn how to speak our language. Sure, it might be English. I’d like to think that guys converse in the same way that little boys speak to their Matchbox cars; a lot of BOOMS, BAMS and proclamations of dominance over a toy whose only aspiration is to have its fresh, red coat of paint last through the summer. We want. We sometimes feel. We never use coupons – that’s what it’s like to be a guy.
So you might ask, “I’m not a guy. How do I converse with one of those sport chucking, gaseous and four-letter employing creatures?” More specifically, “I want to impress one of those. What should I say?”
While I’ve painted men as being difficult to communicate with, that doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t have multiple layers. We’re like nachos in the hands of a well-trained chef. There are going to be many layers and a ton of surprises (is that Turmeric!?). With varying tastes, hobbies and interests, it’s a daunting prospect to have to try and master everything. So whether the guy you’re interested in likes sports or prefers attending couture fashion shows, the following 10 observations/comments can be made and will immediately endear you to whoever is locked in on your woo-dar.
“I think they should allow Pete Rose into the Baseball Hall of Fame. If it’s tolerable to spit in a sport and readjust your junk like you were fishing for tips from grabby fingers, than it should be perfectly fine to be able to bet on it.”
“We should rent a foreign film that stars an American actress. Why? Because she’s definitely going to show her lake and titicacas. Oh, not in the mood? Fine, Goodfellas it is.”
“Football weather is a temperature and a state of mind.”
“We should go to the Art Institute in Chicago and look at the things Sloane and Ferris did.”
“It was a whole lot cooler when people stole their music in front of the watchful eye of a bloated assistant manager at Coconuts than on the internet while waiting for a pizza bagel to crisp up.”
“Socks with sandals, huh? Let me put it to you this way: you wouldn’t want me to wear a diaper under a thong would you?”
“My spirit animal would be a Bengal tiger that wore Bengal earrings.”
“The first person who ever typed LOL was actually trying to type SOS but since his plane was about to crash, the Morse code got a little muddy. Not so funny now, is it?”
“Cheese makes everything better and whoever says it doesn’t wouldn’t be invited to the nuptials if this whole courtship plan works out the way I intend it to.”
Dogs-that-fit-inside-of-a-purse-and-aren’t-house-broken-and-who-bark-at-you-through-Kleenex-thin- walls-and-secretly-have-plans-of-using-their-razor-sharp-teeth-to bite-your-eyelids-when-you-sleep.
Featured image via: yeskarthi.wordpress.com